by Deborah L. Robinson

Created on: February 18, 2009

THE BUSINESS OF SUCCESSFUL PARENTING: WHEN YOU WERE NOT PARENTED WELL

We've all heard the old adage "children do not come with instruction manuals." With no set rules to follow, most parents rely on "on-the-job training" and luck to guide their parenting efforts. A large factor in determining how we parent our children is how we ourselves were parented. When the model we had was not the most positive - or even dysfunctional - our understanding of the parental role is distorted, and we may lack some basic tools we need to parent effectively. However, if you are determined and motivated to not repeat dysfunctional parenting, there are two basic things you can begin to do: 1) create your own parental role and objectives, and 2) become aware of the most damaging parenting pitfalls and how to avoid them.

CREATING YOUR PARENTAL ROLE

Most of us never really think about what our job is as a parent. Just like our religious persuasion we often inherit our beliefs about parenting from our family of origin. However, when we examine what we have accepted as "the right way", we may discover that we are not "believers" after all. Below are some ideas to help you begin to think creatively about the parent you are and the parent you want to be.

Get Real

You know better than anyone how well you are parenting your children. If you find yourself being other than the parent you want to be, and especially if you feel you're hurting your children, admit it. Looking at our parenting flaws can be difficult because of the severe judgment that comes with feeling like a bad parent. The only bad parent is one who recognizes they're harming their children and continues to do it. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and commit to change.

Review Your Childhood

Thinking about your own experience as a child can give you some clues as to what methods of parenting are effective or ineffective. It's important to be as honest an objective as possible when doing this evaluation. Even if your own childhood was not great you may be able to identify something in your parents' approach that worked and enhanced your well-being. On the other hand if there were things that severely harmed or distressed you as a child, don't use your adult mind to rationalize them away. Being honest about your own upbringing is a great place to begin deciding the type of parent you will be. If you discover that you are repeating negative patterns you learned from your own parents admit it and make a conscientious decision to stop.

Define

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