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based on love. They're based on control.

Why do people want to control someone else? ... Probably out of fear. That is the only reason that I have ever experienced the desire to control myself. For instance, although he isn't human - I have a pet who I love and I put a leash on him to keep him beside me when I'm out walking him. That is CONTROL... but it is control based on fear of losing him because I love him and it is done in a loving manner. And, that is healthy control... not irrational and abusive control. The other end of the "fear based control" might be if I were to hit him because he was happy to see another dog... fearing that the other dog would take his attention away from me... to me, that is "irrational and completely ignorant"... that is what happens in abusive relationships.

And, I don't have any qualms at all about saying at the end of the relationship I was driven to act out this sort of fear based control in ways that I can only explain as completely and totally ignorant... for instance, I was living in fear of losing this man so I would call him too often and worry irrationally about him. It wasn't normal at all and it was based completely in fear. Why was I afraid of losing him... He was my life source! I was totally dependent on him for everything and that's exactly how he wanted it. It was, in fact, the ONLY way he wanted it. And, I believed I was giving him what he wanted from me... What I didn't think of was what I was doing to ME... Even though what caused me to have panic and anxiety attacks to begin with was probably the painful events in our marriage, I ran to him when I had a panic attack... That's like sticking your head in a lion's mouth, but I did it over and over and over. I was actually destroying MYSELF and the only way I can look at it now is to say that is when I was crazy, truly crazy.

Yes.. I really did live through some of the worst abuse - especially mentally and emotionally!... that is known to women, but I survived and I found a WAY, ... even if it wasn't PERFECT... to get OUT of that situation. I FOUND a way and anyone can if they care at all about themself. ANYONE can ... and WILL, if they're at all interested in living a normal life.

Yes... it takes a lot of love to stay married to someone... but, can you say that you're being loving at all if you don't love yourself first. Loving yourself might mean divorcing someone even if divorcing them isn't what the rest of the world believes to be the "right" thing. Only YOU can know if you're in a abusive situation... if you're at all AFRAID of someone, it's highly likely that you are... only YOU can know and put an end to it. That is purely a personal choice. Some women stay in that sort of situation their entire lives. That is their choice. Only you have the right to decide what is "right" for you. That's ONE thing I learned when I stepped back and looked at my life before and after the marriage... For the very FIRST time in my life, I HAD THE RIGHT to decide.

I choose life...

Learn more about this author, Regina Hill.
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