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doubt I'll ever be the same again"... Yes, that is me, I thought. The marriage I took part in was a war and I'm back (out of that marriage), but I doubt I'll ever be the same again.

During the process of completely destroying my psyche, this man didn't just tell me... he made me BELIEVE... that I was worth absolutely nothing to him or anyone else. He gave me the gift of true self-hatred and complete hopelessness. I was so afraid of losing him, even though HE was the one hurting me, that I went to extremes to make sure I was doing everything right... I mean EXTREMES. I did everything that could be imagined to make HIM happy, even though he was doing everything he could imagine to make me miserable.

Time had created in him the worst enemy I'd ever known and I didn't understand at the time I was with him just how bad the situation had become... I didn't understand just why I was having anxiety, panic attacks, full blown depression and feeling more dependent on him than I might have felt on my mother when I was a child. It was a impossible and endless hell on earth and I couldn't seem to escape it. Instead of escaping the situation I made it worse by "trying" to make myself better. I thought that if I changed enough, somehow, someway, this would erase the truth that I could never be truly happy with someone who had done to me the things he had done.

And, in all truth, ... I know he must have known exactly what he was doing. He was making sure that he was in full control and that I had no rights at all in the relationship. I seriously doubt that he could ever acknowledge any weakness in himself because he was the kind of person who would never admit the possibility that he could be anything less than perfect. That was my "job"... to be the imperfect creature who was destined to fail him. I became the bad' because that was the only way he felt good'. I don't mean this as a criticism of him, either... because I know that he had his reasons for whatever he was and whatever he did. He had his reasons. And, I even understand some of them. I really do... although it took being away from him for a very long time to find that understanding. I can grasp some of his reasoning... but fail to understand why anyone would WANT that much control of someone they are supposed to love?

I had a Uncle who told me many years ago... after he'd seen some bruises on my neck... that it was all about "control" and I know that he was right. It was all about control. Abusive relationships aren't

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