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I've written a lot of "journal" like essays about abuse and abusive situations. Why? Does it do anyone any good to write about the pain and chaos of abusive relationships? I don't really know if it does. I only know that I was in a very abusive marriage for many, many, many years... and I came away with scars that won't ever heal. There isn't a doubt in my mind that the person I was in this relationship with will go on to instigate another relationship that will become something of a continuation of the situation which existed in the past...

why? Because he believed that this was a "good" situation. Why did he believe it was good?... because it was all about him and his way.

That is, up until I decided I wasn't going to be a victim anymore. Then, I started to open up my mind and write about all the things that had destroyed my personality, my intuition, my ability to be who I was meant to be. I knew I couldn't do it alone... I was much too dependent on this man to be capable of leaving him without a lot of help. I wrote to other women who had experienced the same situation I was experiencing and discovered that this isn't really anything all that different. It's almost a "normal abnormality" cycle that begins when two people who are in a relationship become more and more intimately drawn into the cycle instead of finding ways to uncover their faults and flaws without hurting each other.

I had many faults and flaws... He had just as many, although I seriously doubt he would ever be capable of recognizing any of them. We were a couple for years, but we were also complete and total opposites. While he resisted any reasonable doubt that he was "God" incarnated, I became less and less in the structure of what had become a house built on sand. I was the lesser of the two evils because I didn't throw physical blows and I learned to not want anything because wanting meant disappointment. In actuality, I believe he might have been intent on creating a sound foundation of a S & M setting? That's what it felt like...

I've read that the abuser's main purpose in life is to make the victim believe that they are worthless and totally helpless without the abuser... why? I don't really know, but I do know that this is exactly how I felt. Completely worthless and totally helpless without the person who did more damage to my psyche than any other force on earth. I heard a new country song playing a couple of weeks ago that said something like ... "I'm back from the war...

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