When a child leaves the "nest", life changes. That room which has been their private haven for all of their lives becomes an empty space. There are so many things to think about when children become adults, though this article is written as a guide to those parents seeking information on moving forward, and who are unsure of the steps to take to re-stake their claim on what was once their child's room. It's a big step taken at a time when life is changing and emotions running high about no longer being needed by your teen, as they step out into a new world, leaving the nest empty.
*Will they visit?
*Frequency of visits.
*Are they insecure as independent adults?
*Giving their room to another child.
*Your lifestyle.
*Discussing in advance.
*Making changes.
Will they visit?
When a child first leaves home, chances are that they will still feel that the room is theirs. It always has been and just as it is hard for you to accept that they have gone, it is also hard for a child to think their absence goes unnoticed. If they are likely to visit on a regular basis and stay in your home, then their room can be kept for them as a guest room. Here, talk to them, and explain that while the room will always be theirs, there may be a need to update and freshen up the room as a guest room, so that you can use it for other guests as well as them.
This actually helps a child to make the break and to understand that while a mess is acceptable when they are living in that space, it isn't once they have left.
Frequency of visits.
If a child is away at college then the chances are that they will still consider their room to be theirs, for the time they return. Often parents forget how important that room is to them, and if they are likely to be a frequent visitor, talk to them about how they would like you to deal with their room. They are still a child, and in the case of studies or temporary absence, may still want to retain their status as part and parcel of the family.
Are they insecure as independent adults?
Often when a child leaves home to try out living on their own, they fail. Having the back-up of knowing that they can come home often gives them sufficient security to actually get on with life and not return. Talk to them about their security. As a parent, this helps you to establish how to tackle their room and often encouraging a child to help you makes them feel a part of the process.
Giving their room to another child.
If you intend to give their room to another child who perhaps is sharing a room, discuss this openly with them. Often this causes problems in that the child doesn't know where they will stay if they come home. If they are part of the process and can help, let them help and make alternative arrangements so that they know they are always welcome at home, regardless of whether their room is free. As long as they know that there will be room for them to stay and that you will welcome them with the same warmth you always have done, this should not cause a problem.
Your lifestyle.
As children leave, your lifestyle changes. Perhaps you always wanted a Sewing room, or a hobbies room and the child leaving may give you the opportunity to have this. As long as you can put your children up when they come home for visits, they should appreciate that you need to develop the home style to fit the change in lifestyle. Talk about ambitions. Talk about your needs, letting them know that their needs will always be catered for, and a child will adapt very quickly to the fact that their room is going to be used for something else. This allows you to change the room very quickly and to give you a distraction which will help you to move forward after they have left. If they are allowed to see your own vulnerabilities, they will want to help.
Discussing in advance.
Just like all areas of family life, it is important to discuss things. Talk to them about what their plans are. Show an interest, and talk openly about what you intend to do with their room. By doing this, they are forewarned and may even want to help you fix it up for other purposes. If you get them to pack away their personal bits and pieces, you are respecting their privacy instead of invading it.
Making changes.
Perhaps your lifestyle may be changing in other ways, and you decide to let their room for a little more financial reward. If this is the case, talk to your child about your needs. College and things such as this cost money, and they will see it as reasonable that their room may need to be cleaned out to help you to pay for things which are essential.
The timing of the clean-out should become apparent when talking to your child. The best time is always while the child is there, so that their wishes are respected and they don't feel like you are pushing them out.
Instead of feeling like an outsider, they will feel that they are a part of the changes you are about to make and may indeed have young ideas and more energy than you to fulfill them if you give them the chance. The distraction will help both of you come to terms with the major change to both your lives and theirs.