by Michael Shipley

Created on: January 25, 2007   Last Updated: February 18, 2011

In response to this question, logic demands that if you wish to persuade a male to perform a task, a male would know the best method of persuasion. Thus, I offer my services.

First we look at the actions of the male upon entering the throne room. Generally speaking a male usually has to lift the seat to conduct his most frequent bathroom business. In the male mind, once business is finished, to lower the seat is an extra step and hampers efficiency. Additionally, the typical male would pose the question of fairness in effort. "Why do I have to lift and lower the seat? Would it not be fair if I lifted and she lowered?" Incorrect logic, I know, but this is the typical male train of thought. And male thought is your enemy in this one, ladies. You have to show him that if he alters the state of the bathroom (i.e. lifting the seat upon entry) it is his implicit responsibility to return it to the condition in which he found it.

Next we must examine the male's motivation in lowering the seat. His incentive must exceed the expended effort. Therefore he must be wooed into the desire to lower said seat by some sort of tangible reward. Do not fool yourselves into believing that simply by giving him lots of compliments that he will develop pride in action. That will only leave him felling patronized and less motivated than ever. Instead he must have a real recompense; which brings us to our tactic.

A reward always seems to be more significant in lieu of a dark punishment. Think of the person who avoids a serious car wreck, or survives a heart attack. These individuals feel far more blessed to have their lives than if they never experienced those travesties. Your husband needs a travesty.

Remember I said that the fight is against flawed male logic? In your man's mind he has no incentive to lower the seat; give him one. While pranks are fun -such as threatening to rub his toothbrush on the bare bowl since he doesn't seem to have a problem with private articles coming in contact with it- I would not suggest it. You will only add resentment to what is in his mind an unnecessary task. I suggest full-contact address. Confront your male with the reality of the situation. The following is a script that you may wish to utilize.

"Alright you insensitive turkey-livered potato-head! I am sick of getting up in the middle of the night and being rocketed into consciousness but the feeling of cold, wet porcelain on my butt. Then I have to stop going to the bathroom, (which is not comfortable, let me tell you!) and dry myself, BECAUSE THE BOWL IS WET, lower the seat and finish using the bathroom. By the way, big guy. Got any idea why the bowl is wet? Eeww.

"When all of that is done I spend the next forty minutes trying to fall back to sleep because sitting on porcelain that is FREEZING and WET tends to make a person rather alert. Now if you have comprehended any of this you will put the dang toilet seat back where you found it when you entered the bathroom."

Share this with your husband. Share with him the practical logic of avoiding your wrath. Let him feel like he has survived a stroke. By this he may value his life far more and even be thankful to you for it.

Okay, maybe not that last part.

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