by Christina Hope

Created on: February 15, 2009

Testimonies: Dysfunctional mother and daughter relationships

Please help me define what a loving mother looks and acts like. Unfortunately, I have no concept of such a thing. Well, maybe that isn't quite true. I have an idea of what it means. Growing up, I observed other mothers involved in close relationships with their daughters. I'm not ashamed to admit I felt green with envy. I still watch these lucky women from afar, and wish with all my heart for a similar relationship with my own mother.

I am not sure you could really refer to what I have with my mother as a relationship, and I have my doubts as to whether you could even call her my mother. I tend to refer to her as my "Female Parental Unit", no more emotionally involved than a taxi ride.

I barely received an aspirin from her as a child when I was sick. Or after a childhood accident. I slid too fast down a hill in the snow and slammed into the side of a brick building. While the neighbors were certain I had broken my neck, it took her several days to "figure out" whether or not her 6 year old daughter was indeed injured enough to take to the emergency room. Panic? My mother? Certainly not where her daughter is concerned, that is for sure.

And then there was the not-so-small matter of her husband, not my father.

My very first memory of him I was about 3 or 4 years old, standing in front of a screen door, looking outside. I was very upset about something, I don't know what, and crying. I remember looking over at him, to see him laughing at me. I wanted or needed comfort, and instead what I got was humiliation. Children know things the rest of us tend to forget, and I knew this man was evil. Despite the fact I had no power to do anything about it, for the next dozen years or so, I would endure his violent outbursts. I tolerated his twisted sense of discipline, and depravity while my mother simply hid in her room, or worse, joined him in his rantings, without thought or regard as to defending me much less protecting me from that monster.

Someone once wrote me this sentiment; "I think the irony is those who never had a childhood or parents, are the only ones I know that value such things." I never met this person, but how well she nailed it with that one statement.

I have had a rough relationship with my mother for as long as I can remember. I could write for days describing how a dysfunctional mother and daughter relationship looks and feels. Though I am sad when I think of the absence of real love and care, I choose to focus on being a good mother to my children now. Perhaps the most honest statement my mother ever said to me was, "I did everything wrong so you could do everything right." Of course, she was being sarcastic, but hey, I'll take what I can get, you know?

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