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Living with depression is one of the most difficult issues I have ever tried to deal with. I am not the one suffering from this debilitating illness, my partner suffers greatly and a full understanding of the medical, physiological and physical side is not much help in dealing with the reality of living with someone in this condition.

Medically speaking, depression is often described as a serotonin imbalance, a chemical imbalance in the brain that manifests in unpredictable ways. Mood changes that range from extremes of high through to the lowest of lows have almost nothing midway to separates these two emotions. This is a more obvious of several common symptoms that can also lead into total lethargy, isolation, a feeling of helplessness, uncontrollable misery and a desire to end life. These are very real and quite frightening to witness first hand, particularly when I do not suffer from the condition myself.

The withdrawal from friends and social activities is another step in a downward spiral yet despite love, encouragement and support from good friends, nothing seems able to break the cycle. Little things that I consider trivial are major upsets. For example; driving to town, the turn down a street that is not normally the route we take has lead to a major explosion of anger yet from my point of view, there are many ways to get to town, my choice is largely irrelevant so long as I get to where I plan on going. These uncontrollable explosions of rage and anger are swiftly followed by misery so profound it defies all attempts to break out of until the mood has run its course.

We used to play music together; that was until the depression issues became too overwhelming and arguments would often ensure over interpretation of what is written. I will always play to the group and compensate as required to produce the best result possible yet even a slight deviation from what is written is usually enough to result in our old friend anger and rage overtaking the issue and the entire group goes to pieces at that point.

Medication helps yet my observation is that we are only holding off the suicidal desire and so much more is still not going anywhere. Counselling and specialist intervention are not showing any huge difference at this time; who knows what it will take to break the deadlock. The way forward is an uncertain road that will require patience, love and support. The problem I face is isolating myself and continuing to function, to work and to maintain as much balance as possible in what is a most difficult time. I can see some light at the end of a long tunnel but it seems every time we look like getting close, several more lengths of tunnel are added and the solution remains just that much farther out of reach!

Learn more about this author, Ian Loft.
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