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Romance is not a word that rates highly in my husband's vocabulary. Football, beer and Miss World contests; those are the words that make his eyes light up.

To help him make sure he has a happy Valentine's Day and to ensure we have happy life together, I wrote him the following ten commandments. I hope other women find them useful.

1. Thou shalt worship no other woman except me, even if she is 18 with the body of an athlete and her father owns a brewery.

2. Thou shalt not take my name in vain and will lie through your teeth when out drinking with your mates to give the impression I am a softly-spoken goddess with the milk of human kindness running through my veins. Thou shalt ignore the fact that I am a sarcastic cow whose venom can strip wallpaper at a hundred paces.

3. Thou shalt remember it's Valentine's Day and keep it holy with a multitude of sacrifices including chocolates, flowers, champagne and expensive jewellery.

4. Thou shalt honour my family and ignore the fact that half of them are barking. Thou shalt especially honor my mother and not groan loudly when I mention she is visiting for the day. Neither shalt thou call my nephews "little hooligans" within hearing of my sister.

5. Thou shalt remember the Sabbath and take me out to Sunday lunch so that I do not have to have to do unspeakable things to you with a roast parsnip.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life talking in a high voice and wearing women's clothes.

7. Thou shalt not murder multitude pints of beer on a Saturday night and then come home and try to convince me you are sex on legs.

8. Thou shalt not steal my chocolate unless thou desirest to spend the rest of your life without hands.

9.Thou shalt not covet our neighbour's ass, even if it is half the size of mine and perched on top of endless legs

10. Thou shalt realise that even if I change my mind from one second to the next, I am always right and you are always wrong.

I had those wise words copied in copperplate writing onto a beautiful scroll which was rolled and tied with red ribbon. I presented the scroll to him a few days before Valentine's Day. Now he has no excuse for not stepping up to the plate. If he doesn't I will use the scroll to beat him about the head and the ribbon to tie him up while I raid his wallet for money for chocolates, flowers and jewellery.

Sorted.

Learn more about this author, Louise Frank.
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