Who doesn't enjoy a weekend road trip every now and then? There is nothing that feels quite so freeing as taking off for a long holiday weekend, speeding down the highway, in a convertible, the hot summer sun, kissing the top of your head. MY husband and I enjoyed one such weekend not long ago. We were lost in our own worlds, enjoying the music and the smell of the salt air, until we saw HIM. HE was a Maryland state trooper, dressed in his ugly brown uniform, his badge glistened in the sun as he walked out into the middle of the highway, with us speeding towards him. My husband had about 1500 feet to slam on the brakes and stop. I closed my eyes and prayed that he would be able to stop, or we'd be having bacon for breakfast.
My husband managed to get pulled over on the left shoulder of the busiest two lane highway in the state of Maryland. "What the?" we thought to ourselves. Who would be crazy enough to walk out in front of a speeding Jeep Wrangler. Wranglers easily top out at 50 miles per hour on the highway. Come to think of it maybe that's why he walked out if front of us as there were cars bulleting past us at upwards of 80 miles per hour. But wait! There was another difference between us and the other cars. Their plates all indicated that they were from Maryland. Our blue and gold plate advertised the most hated word in Maryland, PENNSYLVANIA. That word stuck out like a sore thumb.
I immediately became defensive. "Why is he pulling us over?" I yelled at the top of my lungs and began pointing my finger at the officer at the same time. My husband pulled my arm down. "Ohhhh, I see! It's because WE are from PA! They hate us coming down here to the beach! They hate us tourists! Ohhhh but its OK for them to be moving to PA in droves in order to find cheaper housing. Then they clog up our highways every weekday morning for their yuppie commutes!" I was standing on my seat at this point yelling at Buford T Justice. My husband put his toothpick arms around my waist and tried to pull me down, but I was holding myself up by the roll cage.
I went for the buttons on my shorts. I was going to show this officer of the lawless that the moon could definitely shine along with the sun. That's when my husband said between gritted teeth, "Unless you sit down, I will divorce you." I had to think about this for a minute, my retaliation more important to me in the heat of the moment than my marriage was.
I sat down and belted myself in, just to be sure the officer wouldn't give me a ticket for not wearing my seatbelt. Justice walked slowly towards the Jeep. I tried to get a read on him, but his aviator glasses hid his beady pig eyes. He started talking to my husband but I didn't hear him. My anger had suddenly turned into nervous giggling and everything that Mr. Justice said was followed by a fit of irritating laughter. He didn't even look at me. Something told me that he had seen many fits of nervous laughter over the years. My husband on the other hand, through gritted teeth, "Shut up! Knock it off!" He took my hand and squeezed it so tightly that it turned blue from lack of blood supply. "I mean it! Be quiet!"
Mr. Justice asked for my husband's license and registration and in my husband's panicked mind all of a sudden he forgot what a registration card was. I opened the glove box and pulled it out. I looked Mr. Justice bravely in the eye and said defiantly, "The registration is in my name. It's my Jeep! I TRUST that won't be a problem!" I dared him to say that it was. He ignored me.
"Do you know why we pulled you over sir? We clocked you going 57 in a 50 mile per hour zone."
Fifty-seven in a 50? I was really irate at this point but my nervous giggles had turned to nervous laughter. I became even more irate when the laughter took over my body. I wanted to put this officer in his place and really show him who was boss but all I could do was laugh and make sport of my husband.
My husband took his ticket very politely and watched quietly as Mr. Injustice walked back to his barnyard buddies all resting in the shade of pitch pines on the side of the busy Maryland highway where Marylanders enjoyed privileges that others so obviously can't. I however suddenly got over my nervous laughter quite suddenly when I looked at the $325 fine.
What the &^%$&*#@!" I exclaimed. I threw off my seat belt, stood up and started yelling sarcastic remarks about tomorrow morning's breakfast. I held on as my husband pulled away so fast that he threw sandy mud all over the trooper's freshly washed patrol car. I remained standing like I was Kate Winslet, starring in the Titanic and let the ticket fly away in the wind.