by Hannah Eisman

Created on: February 14, 2009

How Not to Overeat

I'm an overeater from way back, and I have recently discovered that the best way to resolve these issues is to cheat. That is, find something that forces you to stop overeating.

How can it be done? Simple really. Put yourself in a situation where you are forced to control your eating, and if you can't do that, put yourself in a situation where you have no control at all over what you are eating. (I am not talking self control here).

Here are some suggestions:

Book into a health resort. This is an expensive option. You are required to pay a large sum of money to be served small, healthy meals, interspersed with exercise and luxurious body treatments. For those who don't have a lot of money, try moving back in with your mum. You won't get the body treatments, but you will be served with food you have no interest in eating. And she might make you do the vacuuming.

Commit yourself to an asylum. You will be served with three balanced meals a day, plus morning and afternoon tea consisting of fruit, or a cup of tea with a plain biscuit. You also get to spend time with some really interesting people and have daily sessions with a doctor who is determined to help you discover the driver for your overeating, thereby giving you the ammunition to change your eating habits and your life.

The best option by far is this: Go to the meanest, roughest biker bar you know of. You may wish to wear clothing that will allow you to enter the bar without drawing too much attention. I would suggest at this point you have at least three shots of strong liquour, though five would probably be better. Now this is where it gets a bit tricky. You will need to know which brand of bike is the most popular at this bar, then be rude, nay, cutting about the bikes out the front in a very loud voice. For example, "my sewing machine has a better motor than a Harley". Or "Yamahahahahaha". Then exit the bar and kick over the first bike you see. If you turn back quickly, you should be able to neatly catch a fist on your jaw. This will lead to a trip to the hospital, and in the best possible outcome, a wired jaw. Ta-da! You will only be able to eat what you can suck through a straw! And you can take it from me, M&Ms will not fit through a straw.

If you don't like any of these options, perhaps you could stay with the tried and true. Use a small plate for your meals, you can't fit as much food on it, so it doesn't matter if you eat every morsel.

Eat at least five small meals through the day, making sure you don't consume too much fat or sugar with each meal.

Eat foods with a low GI. These foods will sustain you longer, giving you less opportunity for a blow out.

Do not go grocery shopping when you are hungry. That way you are less inclined to buy easy options and junk food.

Or, you could do just like me. Forget the whole food issue, and think instead of the issues in your life. For some people overeating is a habit, for others it is a behaviour driven by a lack of something in their life. This is usually a lack of self esteem and love.

All you overeaters out there.................... I love you.

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