by Patricia Tatum

Created on: February 13, 2009   Last Updated: February 19, 2009

It's a classic cliche - the boss falls in love with the secretary. It is a scenario that has been played out many times, and it is almost always blamed on the poor secretary. The truth is, there are three responsible parties in this drama: the boss, the secretary and the spouse. Knowing the reasons why it happens goes a long way to preventing it.

For the sake of simplicity, let's assume that the boss is a man named Joe, the spouse a woman named Mary and the secretary a woman named Ann. Keep in mind that it can be any arrangement of gender, where the boss could be female, the secretary could be male, etc. What is the perspective of each participant?

Joe is overworked and overstressed. He feels as if all he does is work so that he can provide for his family. In some ways, he resents the responsibility; he wishes sometimes that he could just be footloose and fancy free again. He spends most of his waking hours with his secretary, Ann. He sees her solving problems, running interference for him, organizing things to make his life easier. Although his wife does the same for him at home, he doesn't see her doing it, so it's easy to forget how much effort she puts in. Ann has always been easy to talk to, and Joe has found himself confiding in her more, and has begun to believe that she understands him more than his wife does, and accepts him without criticism. The more Joe confides in Ann, the less conversation he has with Mary. This creates a communication gap in their marriage which will only get wider as the scenario plays out.

Ann is conscientious and hardworking. It is her job to make it easier for Joe to do his. She may be in a relationship or not, but most of her time is spent in the office with Joe. She admires how hard he works, and is flattered that he confides in her. From what he tells her, she believes that his marriage is falling apart and that it is because his wife doesn't appreciate him. She comes to the conclusion that he deserves better and decides that she is the only one who could treat him right.

Mary loves Joe, but feels the emotional gap that is developing. Her perception of his workday is based on whatever information he gives her. In the past, she would ask him how his day was and he would tell her all about it. Now when she asks, he gets defensive and accuses her of grilling him. Mary is confused and hurt, and is afraid of losing Joe, so she works even harder to provide a comfortable home life for him. At the same time, she avoids discussion

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