by Emily Falshaw

Created on: February 13, 2009   Last Updated: February 15, 2009

It's Saturday morning. Your head is throbbing, your mouth tastes like a birdcage, you're not quite sure which way is up. The only cure for you, my hung-over friend, is a full English breakfast. The vernacular for "full English breakfast" is "fry up." And trust me; this meal is very aptly named.

To begin, pour yourself a large glass of water and consume with two tablets of paracetamol. Next, open the fridge. If the little light in there makes you feel like Led Zeppelin is having a reunion tour in your head, unscrew it. If you can't manage that, smash it.

From your fridge you will need: Eggs (as many as you think will make you feel human again) Bacon (the more the better) Sausages (may as well do the whole package) Tomato (that's pronounced toe-MAH-toe)

You will also need: Hashbrowns Baked beans Bread

Now the dish is called a fry up because everything gets fried. If you're in as rough shape as I think you are, sod it, one pan will do fine for everything. Not even this much grease is going to make you feel like washing up any time soon.

In your (very large) pan, add some olive oil. Now I know you're feeling rough, but try to remember to never add oil to a cold pan. Start with your sausages, they take the longest. Remember you've got a lot of food to get in this pan, so try to keep them in their own little sausage area.

Next add your bacon and see if you can stomach a glass of orange juice. While your meats are crackling away, a bit too loudly, cut your tomato in half. Rub the cut surface with some olive oil, and perhaps some salt or other seasoning, but only if you've got the strength.

Don't forget to turn your meat periodically, preferably before you start to smell charcoal. Remember: if it's brown eat it down, if it's black send it back. Add your hashbrowns. Turn the heat down and crack your eggs into any remaining space that they'll fit.

It's probably also time to start your toast and boil the kettle for a cuppa. I highly recommend you go for coffee; tea probably isn't strong enough to do you any good just yet.

Oh no! You forgot to leave room for the beans! No worries, emergencies such as this are why Newton, or Edison or whoever invented the microwave. Open the tin of beans and dump it in a microwave-safe bowl. Yes, it's early, but that's no excuse for putting a tin in the microwave.

Heat them for about three minutes or until they start to steam. The upside to microwaving your beans is now that not every element of your meal is fried, it's officially classified as healthy.

Everything is starting to smell greasy and wonderful, and your head is feeling better with each whiff of the delightful aromas. Don't forget to cook your eggs on both sides, until the yolk is as runny or hard as you like. Don't fiddle with them too much, or you'll scramble them. And scrambled eggs have no place in a fry up.

Lastly, find some space for your tomato halves, cut side down. How long you fry them is a matter of taste. I prefer them to be just slightly warm, and still juicy. If you want them more well-done, you need to start them earlier.

Butter your toast so that the amount of butter is positively correlated to the number of "Coca Colas" you consumed last night. Plate everything up and turn the hob off. There is no right or wrong order here; everything's ending up in the same place eventually.

It may look like something your dog would enjoy, but that fry up will cure what ails you. Don't forget: Fry ups are NOT fine dining. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise probably hasn't been to England. Don't forget to leave the washing up for your housemate or significant other. And the last thing you need to do is take two more paracetamols and go back to bed.

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