by Mark Browning

Created on: January 24, 2007   Last Updated: April 19, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen, esteemed fellow Senators, I would like to call this meeting of the Senate Mean Ways Committee to order. We have gathered today to provide the traditional role of the Senate in the confirmation process of important government appointees: advice and consent. Today, we welcome the President's nominee for Secretary of the Treasury, G. August Gloop, to this chamber. Senator Dinton has asked to speak first.

Dinton: Thank you, Mr. Chairperson. You know, it takes a village to raise a child and it takes health care for all Americans in that village to raise that child. No one in this room is a greater advocate for our troops or a bigger proponent of peace than I am, a fact that you can confirm by visiting my website, www.HilarityforPrez.org. I'm for victory through peace and lower taxes through targeted tax increases. Now, considering all that, could you please state for the record, your name?
GAG: Yes, my name is Gordon August Gloop.
Dinton: But, Mr. Gloop, and I can't say that I like your tone in all this, isn't it true that you signed your name, in a particular young lady's yearbook when you were both in seventh grade, as Gordy? Are you now or have you ever been known as Gordy?
GAG: Uh . . . I have no recollection of that matter.
Dinton: No recollection indeed. Mr. Chairperson, I would submit that this candidate's use of a nefarious pseudonymn is only the tip of a very large, very cold iceberg, an iceberg that promises to sink the ship of his nomination, ill considered as it was by the present administration.
GAG: But, Gordy is just a . . .
Chair: Please, Mr. Gloop-if that is your real name-you will have a chance to comment-after all the television cameras are gone. Senator McBain has the floor.
McBain: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Mr. Gloop, as you know, I am a loyal supporter of the President, but loyalty only goes so far. Precisely how far it should go is a question that only I can answer for myself, but I'd like to assure both you and the American people, who can learn more about my positions at my website, www.McBain08.org, that my support for this president goes only and exactly as far as the American people want it to go. I'm loyal, but I'm careful, careful with my reputation. And so in light of that reputation, I'd like to ask this candidate, who do you like in the Super Bowl?
GAG: The Super Bowl? Who's playing?
McBain: Who's playing? That's quite a question to ask, Mr. Gloop. After all, we see in this year's game not just two great teams pitted against one another. We see a traditional blue state team versus a traditional red state team. We see a hope for uniting rather than dividing.
Dinton: Partitioning beyond partisanship.
Owhama: Disagreeing without being disagreeable.
Brownfront: Dividing without multiplying.
GAG: I'm confused.
Sen. Kidney: I am confused as well, Mr. Gloop. I'm confused as to why you are sitting here talking about these trivial matters when there are important skeletons in your closet. Didn't you, earlier in your life, drive off a bridge while intoxicated, resulting in the death of a young lady in your company? Do you deny it?
GAG: Excuse me?
Kidney: Mr. Chairman, I demand that this candidate answer the-[interrupted by an aide]-oh, never mind.
Chair: Yes, go back to sleep Senator. Now back to you, Mr. Gloop.
GAG: I'd like to inform the committee of my decision to respectfully withdraw from this process.
[End Transcript]
When the self-serving lunatics are in charge of the proceedings, what can we actually expect in the way of integrity?

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