by David Schneider

Created on: February 13, 2009

It's a bit over a month since the passing of my father, I think about him frequently and find myself wondering if he can listen or hear my thoughts. I deal with death in my profession on an ongoing basis, but never have I had to face death on such a personal level. Even though I have found the passing of my father to be quite difficult, the process of him dying was a much more intense experience which was quite enduring. Some things, such as these processes are quite pointless from all the persons involved in this process, from the person who is dying to the caregiver who also has a piece of them die as well.

My mother stated to me you must believe that a superior being has a larger plan for your father, that his gifts are needed elsewhere. I would like to believe in such a lofty purpose for my father and all good people that die and by their testament go to heaven, but I have to contemplate that maybe this might not be so. Every religion that I have ever explored in one form or another identifies a better place than here, an afterlife if you will. They teach of a superior being who in most cases bases all of their teachings are based on this concept that we call love. If this is true how is it possible that we all suffer or watch each other suffer in some manner prior to our or our loved ones deaths. If we base our concepts of love, this is not what love of someone or something is about. I find myself intrigued with these concepts and constantly looking for answers. The religious leaders that I converse with have not given justifiable answers and I tend to believe that we only truly find out during the act of dying itself.

So my heart continues to be heavy with grief, I want the heaviness to go away. They say that once you cry for someone this close you can always see the increase of tears in the eyes, of course they say the eyes are the only direct connection to ones soul. I want to chat with him once more about how well my son is doing with his studies and his baseball. I want to feel his big, soft hands cradeling my face before I kiss him goodnight and I long to hear his beautiful voice singing out another Frank Sinatra tune. I need to hear some of those quirky one-liners that you used to make me laugh with until my sides hurt.

Dad, sometimes I have coffee in the morning hours with some of the local doctors and I often catch myself thinking of the stories you used to relate to me about individuals who could probably fit into the personalities that I deal with, you are so engrained within my own soul, i was so lucky to have you for time that I did, even though I am selfish and wanted so much more. Dad I am staying in touch with mom and trying to keep her spirits high, you married one quality person there, good job! Dad I hope you are sleeping well and not worrying about us here, we miss you, just keep em laughing...

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