by Trenna Sue Hiler

Created on: February 12, 2009   Last Updated: May 07, 2012

This is a tight rope and it is not an easy one to walk. Adult children can be a finicky crowd. One minute they want a caring parent to tell them what to do and the next they are looking for a friend who respects boundaries. It is actually similar to when they were teenagers, but now their decisions really are their own to make.

Parents may have some of the same issues. They want to be friends, but reserve their rights as parents. It does not work in every situation.

Excellent communication skills are an essential requirement. Direct questions are probably best in order to determine which hat you are wearing at what time. For example you may want to say, "Are you asking as my daughter or as my friend?" "May I speak as your father for a moment?"

Lets take a look at the boundaries that are set for being a friend.

1. Respect their decisions and only give an opinion when asked.

2. Accept it when they are unavailable to participate in an activity (all guilt trips are officially cancelled)

3. Dress standards and appearance are personal choices. If a parent needs to respond to what the adult child looks like it should be a compliment or no response is made.

4. Go dutch. Don't always pay for the entertainment. This is something a parent would do for a family event.

5. Keep the conversation focused away from family issues.

6. Phone calls should be made at acceptable times. Just because you are Mom doesn't mean you can call at 6:00 am. You may know that they are up, but do you call your friends at 6:00 am?

If your adult children are not interested in being friends, but want to keep the relationship based only on the family level, don't be hurt. They may have a very full life and treasure the specific relationship they possess with you now. Some adult children may feel that relationship is their light house and be unwilling to lose that comfort. Would you really want to take that away from them?

Chances are if you are going to become friends it is going to happen in a natural way. You are going to have some common interests and you are going to enjoy spending time together and phone calls not related to family business. When people try to force that relationship there tend to be issues.

While enjoying lunch the other day a daughter stood up and said in a rather loud voice, "Mom, I talk to my friends about my sex life. Is that something you are interested in hearing about?" Chances are mom may have been pushing some boundaries.

Don't depend on just family for all your social needs. No matter what age we are we need friends outside of that circle. Diversity makes us appreciate what we have and learn respect for other situations. Perhaps we should spend more time as parents of adult children seeking other parents of adult children as friends. There can never be too many friends to enrich one's life.

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