1 of 2

Write now Article Tools

Believe it or not, this was the first time I had ever met my own grandmother! She moved down South in 1946, right after Grandpa died, and for some reason I had never gotten around to making the trip. But as her 100th birthday is not all that far away, I decided to fly to Florida to visit Grandma Mildred.

I asked for her at the Shady Palms Retirement Home, and was told by a octogenarian named Mrs. Murphy that Grandma is "out spending some time with the Little People."

"Surely you don't believe in leprechauns," I smiled.

"What leprechauns?" Mrs. Murphy replied. "I meant jockeys. She's at Hialeah trying to get some tips on tomorrow's races."

Hialeah? Jockeys? Mrs. Murphy must be mistaken. This can't be MY grandmother, who I always pictured as sitting on a rocking chair with her knitting! Still, I drove out to the track to find out for myself.

"Sure I know Mildred," one of the trainers told me when I got there. "Only we call her 'Wild Mildred'. There is NOTHING that old broad won't do! You'll find her at the bar - but it's still pretty early in the day so she won't be soused yet."

When I went into the bar, I spotted her immediately! My own, greyhaired, sweet old grandma! She got up from her table, walked right over to me, threw her arms around me and gave me a big kiss.

"Grandma," I said, "it's so wonderful to finally meet you!"

"'Grandma?'" she replied. "Oops! I thought you were the pizza delivery man. Sorry about that kiss! So you are my grandson! What a pity - you're really a hunk!"

"Grandma, you're 99-years-old. Don't you think its time that you stopped chasing after younger men?"

"That's what your mother has been telling me since 1946," she replied. "Why the heck do you think I left Pennsylvania and never came back? That woman is a real killjoy - she must have gotten it from her father."

"Grandpa? I always thought he was the fun loving type - why else would they have given him that silly nickname? 'Pinwheel?'"

"That wasn't his nickname while he lived," Grandma explained. "I had it placed on his gravestone because I knew that is what everyone in Heaven would call him. You see, the last thing he said to me before he died was, 'Mildred, if you are ever unfaithful to me I will turn over in my grave.'"

"Are you SURE you're my grandmother?" I asked. "I always thought of you as the family type - after all, you had eight children."

"Well," she replied, "I've always enjoyed gambling. And there were no birth control pills in the 1920's - so what I REALLY liked doing was

• 1
• 2
• next page >>

Add your voice

Know something about Humor: Family heritage?
We want to hear your view. Write now!