by Trenna Sue Hiler

Created on: February 10, 2009   Last Updated: August 27, 2009

It is a wonderful thing when children leave home with everything their loving parents have given them and start a life of their own. Parents have taught them how to make wise decisions, manage their money, choose good friends and respect other's around them. Or maybe not, be that is the wish.

So when they bring home the spouse of their dreams, remember actions as a parent helped them to make this decision. Respect whomever it is they bring home. They have chosen someone they would like to share their life with and now they are a part of your family.

Accept them on their terms. In the beginning it may be awkward as we try and get to know each other and understand personal boundaries and expectations. They may come from a very different background and have different customs. They may look different than you expected. They may not be whom you would picked at all. It doesn't matter. Your job as the parent is to respect and love them as they are.

Those first meetings can be very interesting. Steve brought his "bride to be" into the home of her future in-laws. Steve introduced Natasha as the future Mrs. Bronson. Natasha stuck her hand out to Steve's mother. "It's nice to meet you and I just want you to know I already have a mother."

Of course Steve's mother was a little off balance, but she used her favorite tool, humor. "I am so glad to meet you Natasha. It's great that you have a mother. It always so awkward to meet those people who were just found under rocks. May I take your coat?" Good, bad or indifferent the first impressions had been made.

It may take time for the new family member to mesh and sometimes they never do. None the less we need to respect the choices of our children and not become overly involved in their every day affairs. We had our time with them.

Perhaps a list of one-liners pinned on a mirror in our private bed room would be helpful.

Be willing to stand in the background.

Let someone else lead the band and watch the parade.

Let the spouse be the one to make the invitations and plans.

Graciously except them if and when they come.

He loves her.

She loves him.

The only person you can change is yourself.

Good things come to those who wait.

It's hard to be caring and yet not overbearing.; Supportive and yet have no opinion; Close enough to care and far away enough to stay away.

The bottom line is your place as in-laws are determined by the couple. Their rules and expectations are what the relationship is guided by. Most families find that given times bridges are built and communications are formed.

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