by Gunter Chang

Created on: February 10, 2009   Last Updated: May 27, 2012

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Unveil New Alert System

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have unveiled a new warning system to relay Apocalypse status to the general public. Speaking on behalf of the other three, The First Horseman announced a press conference in L.A. to present the new system. Wearing a white suit, white Fedora and white bow-tie, the First Horseman arrived in a white limousine and invited reporters to "come and see"  the new 5-level Apocalypse Alert System.

"As you know, we Horsemen are scheduled to ride across the earth in the days just prior to The Apocalypse. Over the years, we've come to realize that most signs of our arrival are greatly exaggerated. In order to simplify the signs for the general population, we've come up with a new system, which is patterned after Homeland Security's highly successful system for terror alerts. We also felt an image make-over was long overdue in order to better relate to modern society. This will help with that goal"

Referring to a five color display, the First Horseman explained the risk levels. "The levels will be color-coded Emerald Green for 'Low', Royal Blue for 'Guarded', Mellow Yellow for 'Elevated', Florescent Orange for 'High' and Candy Apple Red for 'Get-The-Hell-Off-My-Lawn'. We are confident this warning system will better alert mortals to the risk of Apocalypse, allowing sufficient time to atone or whatever it is you people do just before the end of the world."

When asked to give examples of the various levels, the First Horseman explained, "Well, our current risk level is at 'Mellow Yellow'. 'Emerald Green' would have been applicable sometime shortly after the last Ice Age, while 'Florescent Orange' would apply to the Cuban Missile Crisis. A risk level of 'Red' would have been issued last time the Cardinals were in Super Bowl. Man, they had us sweating there for a minute, I tell you what! In fact, we were all ready to ride: dressed up in the archaic garb, getting the horses out of the cosmic stables when Santonio Holmes made the catch that saved the world. Just goes to show, you never really know."

Some of the Press questioned the notable absence of the other three Horsemen. The First Horseman explained, "We all agreed on the system but felt a simultaneous appearance by all four of us would cause undue panic. After all, by Contract, the Apocalypse requires an appearance by all four of us. We didn't wish to send the wrong message by appearing at this press conference together. I mean,

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