by Jenny Tolley

Created on: February 10, 2009   Last Updated: February 17, 2009

It can be difficult to spot the classic signs of controlling in a relationship, especially when the person doing the controlling is someone you love. Many people in miserable, controlling relationships eventually have a moment of clarity and ask themselves where it all went wrong. Maybe it's already happened to you. Perhaps the person you had always thought of as a catch has turned out to be controlling and abusive. Maybe you're related to someone who is excessively overbearing and jealous. Or, you may be regretting your friendship with a friend who always has to be right.

As you become aware of your relationship with a control freak, you may ask yourself how it happened. People develop relationships with others for many different reasons. Sometimes a person with a tendency to be controlling can seem very appealing and reassuring, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Control freaks will often initially shower the object of their affections with a lot of attention and promises of security. They may flatter their victims with compliments and offer them support and assistance. In fact, there's even a term for this method- love bombing. It's the same tactic used by cults to find new members. People who love bomb overwhelm their victims with attention and affection so much so that the victim feels really good around them.

The love bombing usually stops when the victim starts to relax and depend on the relationship. It's at that point the control freak stops being quite so nice. The sudden change in the control freak's behavior throws the victim off balance, leaving them to wonder what they did to upset the control freak. The victim may then start trying to please the control freak so things will feel normal again. Your first clue that you're in a controlling relationship may be when you realize that you're no longer as happy around the control freak as you once were.

Your next question to yourself may be why it happened to you. People who are excessively controlling often have very low self esteem, are very insecure, and fear being alone. Because their self esteem and sense of security is so low, they like to seek out people who are also vulnerable. People who end up with control freaks also tend to have very low self esteem. Like their abusers, they may also fear being alone.

Control freaks are especially on the lookout for people who are easy to manipulate through emotional blackmail. They use fear, obligation, and guilt to get what they want. The abuser's

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