by Helena Handbasket

Created on: February 10, 2009   Last Updated: March 02, 2009

09 Feb 09, HIALEAH, FL, USNA - The beacon of freedom shines brighter than ever in America, in a delightful new development that will be heralded by the media monopoly worldwide. Your local university, in full cooperation with your federal government, is proud to host: FREE SPEECH ZONES - marked clearly as such for the enjoyment of all! No more doubts about whether free speech is permitted: simply drive to a federally funded campus and look for the signs.

I find it particularly encouraging that free speech zones are even permitted near to - but a safe distance from - political debates and discussions. The people should be kept beyond shouting distance from candidates for office, especially those people with strong opinions on the issues.

As the Secret Service can testify (if you can ever get them on the stand), potential leaders need to be protected from the people they lead. Free speech and honest discourse should be held at arm's length from officeholders and candidates, who are to be kept safely in the company of the elites who have earned the right to be heard by supporting progressive ideas.

It is refreshing to know our leaders are inoculated against the antiquated, uncouth ways of adversarial debate. Why, two-way discussion in America has now been safely quarantined only to extremist whack-sites like Helium.com. But since not all the insane in this broad country can take advantage of such internet sites, free speech zones are essential to preserve their rights.

In particular, now that "Popular Mechanics" has proved conclusively what happened in that terrible horrible no-good very-bad World Trade tragedy, why should anyone have the right to claim, just anywhere to anyone, that the "true" cause was implosive demolition performed by space aliens, from outer space? Miscreant conspiracy theorists who make these tenuous claims under the guise of "free speech" are very appropriately herded into a fenced-off free speech zone, to protect all of us from such contagious social viruses.

Another need fulfilled by free speech zones is the protection of this country's leaders, and its law enforcers, from the hazards of attack. Because of the natural risks they assume with office, leaders should be free to speak or act in any way deemed necessary, without the fear of blow-back from provoked constituents who have escaped their free speech zones. After all, unarmed people are far more likely to kill or maim than the fully armed and shielded law enforcement officers sworn "to

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