by Laura Farnsworth

Created on: February 10, 2009

Darkness of Life: Dreams of Light

Sometimes when I look out, all I see is the swirling blackness. It seems to grow everyday or is itgetting closer. I'm not sure what causes the blackness. Maybe is it me?

Life sometimes seems so unreal, so very far away. On other days it is up close and raring to go whether I am or not. Some days I feel everything; every noise, every word, every touch and everyone. Some days I feeling nothing; not even the void.

Raised by parents in a Baptist Church, I was taught that suicide was a sin; that you would be breaking one of the Ten Commandments. I once asked a pastor about suicide. His response was "What better time to ask for forgiveness then when you are standing before the throne of God?" I guess that could be true. It hasn't been until recent that I ever thought about suicide. Think would be the only word. I could never do it. It would be too painful if it involved blades or bullets or even needles. I can't swallow pills or drive off a bridge or mountain. Besides it is the chicken way out and I could never do that to my daughter or husband or the rest of my family.

I do have days when I want to disappear. I could handle living alone in the mountains, far away from people. Maybe just come down once a month or once every five or six weeks. I want to be able to live off the land, be energy self sufficient and I want to own my land and house free and clear. I want to work with animals, not people. Animals. Pets don't demand anything and they love unconditionally. Unlike people who sometimes demand more than they should. They pretend to be your friend to your face and then cut your throat when things are not in their favor.

Back to the blackness; sometimes I feel that it has seeped deep into my soul. It's eating me up inside out. The only lights that save me are my daughter, husband, son in law and my dogs. It's sad to say, but sometimes, my dogs save me more than my husband, more than anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and I wouldn't want to live without him. But my dogs, well are my dogs. I miss my beagle babies. I miss seeing the new puppies, the smell of puppy breath(not for all people because it resembles the skunk smell), the shiny, little, wet coats, the little pink noses and ears. Their first little barks if you can call it that, just a mewling noise, but it always brings tears to my eyes. I miss my dogs so much.

I miss my mom and dad. They aren't that far away and I can get there in a day, in a couple of hours,

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