by Liza Cameron Wasser

Created on: February 09, 2009

Time Out or Penalty Box?

Originally, the discipline technique known as "time out" was more closely allied with the sports concept used in baseball, football and basketball.

Time out is a way for a parent to remove a child from a social situation when the child is having problems coping. The idea is that the parent (coach) calls time out to take the child (player) aside to calm him, discuss a problem, come to a conclusion and then return the child to the social situation (game). When used in this way, time out works effectively in situations where the child has gotten in over his head.

Unfortunately, many parents have misused and bent the concept of time out so that it now resembles the hockey concept known as penalty box.

Merely sitting a child in a chair with a timer that will ring in a few minutes does nothing to teach the child what he did wrong, nor does it give him any strategies for improving his behavior. It's much the same as the way that two minutes in the penalty box doesn't dissuade a hockey player from going out onto the ice and starting another fight.

So, how should a parent use time out effectively? Here are some basic rules for making time out work for you and your child.

1. Be concise. In talking to your child during the time out, get to the point and use few words. This is not the time for a lecture. Simple statements like, "Hitting is not allowed. Tell Fred that you do not want him to knock over your block castle," work much better than a sermon about how violence is the root of all evil.

2. Understand your child's POV. This does not mean you must agree with her point of view, just that you can understand how she feels. Say, "I know that you wanted to play Uno, but sometimes you have to do what the others want to do. " Sometimes all a child wants is an acknowledgment of her feelings.

3. Give constructive advice. First, tell your child what he did wrong and then tell him what he could do instead. "Leslie doesn't like it when you throw sand in the air, why don't you try building a sand castle together?"

4. Be the calm in the storm. Occasionally, your child will need a time out, not because she is the problem, but because the chaos is overwhelming. If this is the case, then simply call her over to sit by you for a minute of respite, until she is ready to join back in.

5. Give choices. After you have told your child what the problem is and given constructive advice, ask him if he is ready to go back. If you and he think he's ready to go back, then give him the chance. If you think he needs a few minutes of down time, then allow him the option of staying with you a bit longer or even leaving the situation totally.

6. Consider the age of your child. For toddlers, often just the act of removing them from the situation is enough distraction to break the undesirable behavior. A simple, "No biting. Use your words" is enough discussion. If you find yourself taking your toddler for a time out every few minutes, it's time to leave the party. Older children need only be reminded of the house rules. "We don't grab. We ask politely. Try to keep that in mind. Off you go!"

If you think of yourself and your child as a team whose job it is to win the game of social interaction, then you can use time out as an effective discipline strategy.

Go team!

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