by Marta Liddiard

Created on: February 09, 2009

"If things don't work out, I'll just divorce you!" and with that my mother turned on her heel and walked out. My father laying there, apparently drunk, didn't really seem too concerned with the latest, and by far not the last verbal threat. That was the beginningof a failed relationship. Surprisingly though, it wasn't between my parents, but between my mother and her mother. The endless list of victims is long and heartbreaking. This very same situation occurring to different types of personalities has just as many outcomes. Strangely enough some twenty years later I am in a similar situation, yet I don't feel the need to sacrifice myself and my future children in order to serve up the best combination or revenge and punishment one could concoct. I keep fooling myself that the reason my mother did what she did was so that I may have the opportunity to learn some valuable lessons in order to make my life better. Oh how I would love to believe that, more than I believe that the only reason my mother did what she did was because she herself was so hurt that revenge clouded her judgement. Some may say I am looking for ways to excuse her behavior. Perhaps they are right. No matter how much I un-love my mother, she will always be my mother. No matter how horrible were her actions and choices, at least some of them are a direct result of her childhood. The one thing that could have saved her and her long list of victims is; choice. She let her get consumed and she chose to let it rule her life. She chose to punish and belittle those around her, she chose. For once in her life she chose herself, and at that exact moment it was the wrong time to choose yourself. That was the moment she needed to choose her child. It may take me the rest of my life to be able to truly and honestly say "I forgive you". That is my goal, I need to do that, for myself, my family and my mother. I have a feeling that I need to hurry this process, for my mother is ill. Although she is still very young her health is not the greatest. I keep telling myself that she will be one of those women that can smoke their whole lives and live till they are 95 years old. Recently however I realized that, in my mother's case that may not be so. I keep having dreams, nightmares, daydreams that she is ill and dying. My biggest fear is that we do not resolve what needs to be resolved in time. Just the thought of that makes me very sick. I need to set a good example for my children, but it has to be a good example, I can not pretend. It has to be genuine and as of now, I am not ready to do that. Tick. Tock.

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