by Shannon S. Harwell

Created on: February 08, 2009   Last Updated: February 13, 2009

Providing For Your Children After Divorce: One Mom's Story

When my children's father left the home, I was left staring down at the innocent faces of my then 12- and 8-year-olds. I didn't have a job and hadn't worked full time in years, but looking at those sweet, heartbroken, frightened faces, I knew the first order of business was figuring out how to provide for them. Today, after nine years of ups and downs taking care of my babies, one lesson is sure: If it's not coming from your own provisions, don't "expect" anything.

We see Court shows all the time with deadbeat parents chastised for failing to support the children. It's encouraging to a struggling single parent to know that the system really cares; or does it? For us, it was a nightmare. Before I knew what was happening, we lost electricity, water, phone, a home, and even possessions. My children were deeply disappointed and scared to death of what might happen when the Ramen noodles ran out. Outwardly, I was in control. Inwardly, I was a shamed failure. I knew that nothing else mattered except making sure those babies were supported.

I filed for state help in locating and serving their father, but he was pretty good at dodgeball. Knowing I couldn't count on him for anything to help -not even a winter coat to keep the kids warm- I did what all parents must do: Clutched my babies close, took the bull by the horns, and started forging our way back out of the abyss. Kids need continuity to be as well-adjusted as possible, and when one parent slacks off or disappears altogether, it's not enough to wait for help. As a parent, you must ensure those kids have their needs met.

Within months, I got a menial job and went back to school. I had learned not to expect anyone to come to their aid, including their father. If these kids were going to eat, have clothes, and play ball, it was up to at least one parent to make it happen. Ideally, children should be provided for by both parents, but in reality, nobody promises you (the custodial parent) anything. It's your responsibility to figure out how to support them first and foremost. Priority one is taking care of those babies. Priority two is ensuring the other parent does the same.

Over a year later, "dad" was finally located and served (paid for with the scraped-together $25 fee that took from my children's mouths). When we finally went to court, I was stunned when he was not only NOT ordered to pay the 13 months in the rears, he was also given another couple of weeks

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