by Ian Brady

Created on: February 06, 2009   Last Updated: February 19, 2009

Not only should a husband talk about his romantic past he should do as I do- brag about it.

When we are cozied up together on the couch watching a tear jerker of a movie like Rambo or Die Hard I often talk about my past experiences. And I go into very graphic detail. She seems to really enjoy hearing these accounts- sometimes she is so happy that she starts to sob.

Not wishing to sound like a total braggart but I have had three past lovers in my life. I know you folks might think i am exaggerating but yes I have made sloppy love to three different women. Of course that was in ten years of dating. I am a regular old sex machine.

One of the women i slept with even went out with me again after we made love. It was a record as it almost lasted a minute. When i grabbed a cold beer and fell asleep I was amazed to discover her still in my trailer whben i woke up bright and early around noon the next day. But then again she was homeless and i met her at a shelter.

My wife never tires of that particular story.

Of course i do not like to hear about her past experiences. What real man would? It hurts my masculinity to discover what some of her ex boyfriends were like. One chap even purchased her flowers, can you imagine such a thing! You only buy flowers for dead people at funerals everyone knows that!

Another one, so she claims not only put the toilet seat down after peeing but even cuddled after they did what came naturally to them. I think she has been watching to many day time shows personally.All us real men know guys like that do not actually exist- at least not a real man. They are nambi pamby, artsy sort of guys who shower more than once a week and get their hair professionally cut- the sort of men who date each other. (I have an electric shaver that works great for me and my dog Gnasher.)

Last week was our fourth wedding anniversary. We got married in a drive-thru chapel in Vegas. It wasn't a cheesy Elvis Presley impersonator who did the ceremony- ours was a Tom Jones impersonator.

"What's new pussycat," can still, almost, bring a tear to my eye.

Anyhow to celebrate i am talking her out for a fancy steak dinner- they have them at my favorite hamburger chain now and i even have a buy one get one free coupon- so it will not cost her too much money. Anyhow as we chomp down on our steak burgers I am sure i will tell one of my past experiences again. I have a surprise for her when we get home- i have rented a VHS tape of the original Texas Chainsaw massacre. I bet none of her exes ever did that! I also have purchased a twelve pack of beer and a bag of pork rinds.

I am sure it will be a night that she will not soon forget.

Apparently she has a surprise planned for me too- as she wants me to sign something.

I wonder what it might be?

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