by Denise Calaman

Created on: February 06, 2009   Last Updated: April 17, 2010

“Andy can’t make it to the churches’ progressive dinner on Saturday night.  Do you want to go with me?” my mother in law asked me as her big puppy dog eyes batted their fake eyelashes at me.

 Instantly panic set in.  Now I love my mother in law more than anything, truly I do.  So I didn’t want to disappoint her.   She is the tops when it comes to those oh so nosey, overprotective, not letting go of her son controlling mothers and does so much for my husband and I.  “I uh, I uh. . .” I stammered, trying hard to come up with an excuse not to go to our churches’ annual henpecking fest.  Thinking of sitting down to dinner with THEM made my nose ring jitter.   But how could I find a good excuse and lie when the dinner was centered on HIM. 

 “Yeah, I’ll go.  Sounds like fun.”  I immediately pictured myself with a pistol pointed at my head.  Three courses of non-stop fun awaited me that night.  An entire night of pretending I had duct tape across my mouth to quell my non Christian vocabulary habits. 

 My mother and I walked into the appetizer house and everyone greeted my mother in law with warm hugs and kisses and “Merry Christmas-”.  And as they all looked past my mother in law and saw me instead of Andy their fake Christian smiles turned to noticeable frowns.  Their mouths were paralyzed to smile as they all honed in on my nose ring gleaming in the candlelight. 

 “Andy couldn’t make it so I brought my daughter-in-law,” my mother-in-law announced to the entire room so that church members who weren’t already gasping at the horrid site of my “onnnne goldddd ringggg” could gasp too. I thought if they didn’t stop staring I was going to tell them I had four others hidden on other places of my body to make my “five gold rings”.  But I remembered that I had duct taped my mouth. 

 I peeled away the tape and with God given courage I said, “Hi.  Sorry Andy couldn’t make it but I’m more fun anyway!”  I got nothing.  Not chuckles, not a giggle, not even a fake Christian smile.   

 The pastor’s mother walked up to me to introduce herself. “Oh, I recognize you.  I see you at church.”  Her eyes suddenly narrowed.  “Sometimes.”

• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next Page >>