by Ophelia de Serres

Created on: February 05, 2009

Permission to tell

I can't even begin to count the number of people over the years that have asked me "Why?" Why as a child I wouldn't have told someone what was happening to me. Why I didn't talk to my mother about what my father was doing, a teacher, a friend or neighbor and why still today, children aren't able to just come out and disclose what is happening. Through raised brows and inquisitive expressions, people unintentionally place the blame back on the victim instead of where it belongs. Almost as if to say, it is partly our fault that the abuse continued for so long.

The thing is children do tell. Whether others pay attention is a different matter entirely. Children don't often come out and tell people directly what is happening to them. Oftentimes, their experiences are so confusing and filled with shame and fear that they are unable to put into words what they are going through. Such was the case in my own experience. Instead, children will communicate their experiences through their behaviors, in their play, the questions they ask and the worries they share and occasionally through direct disclosure. Sometimes the exposure is unplanned; an unexpected visit by some one who comes across a child while the abuse is taking place and sees what is happening. In the right circumstances, and with the right support, children may disclose because they know intuitively that they will be believed. Caregiver behavior and awareness is often the key that unlocks the door to a trusting relationship where children can come forward. But often, in fact 60% of the time, it is these same caregivers who are the abusers.

Questioning why a child didn't come forward and disclose their abuse is the wrong approach to take. Instead we should be asking how this could happen in the first place. We, as a global community, are still so enveloped in our fear of judgment that we refuse to open our eyes to see and our mouths to speak about the reality of what is happening in our own backyards.

Children are raised with very little control over their personal boundaries. Parents and caregivers' will, often unconsciously, carry on behaviors in their own parenting without little thought of the consequence. Take for example, the family holiday party where friends and family come together once or twice a year to see one another. Many times these people that we share our homes with are virtual strangers to our children. They become acquainted, exchange gifts and pleasantries and eventually

• 1
• 2
• 3
• Next Page >>