by Barb Jackson

Created on: February 05, 2009

So the time comes, when you realize you must have the "sex talk" with your teenager. Many moms would rather go through natural child birth without an epidural or a tooth extraction without noavacaine than talk to their teens about sex. I know it's not a pleasant thought, but at some point in time it's a duty we must perform for the sake of our children.

As a liberal and open mom I have always tried to talk to my girls in age appropriate terms since they were young. I have tried to use prompts, whether it be a tv show or movie we are watching or a situation with a friend or relative to bring this subject up. One thing I never did was sit either of my girls down and say, "ok we need to talk about sex." That is a sure fire way of having them tune us out. Kids do not want to talk about sex with parents anymore than we want to talk about it with them. However, having discussions about sex based on an "event" can provide open and honest child-parent communication.

As a single mom who has dated on and off over the years, I have tried to always model the same behavior that I have expected them to. Holding hands with a boyfriend, a tender kiss, or even limited cuddling on the couch, can teach our daughters that being in a relationship can be a wonderful experience. And yes in the past when I've been in a serious relationship, my boyfriends have spent the night at my house. But I have also taught my daughters that they are young and independent women who should always think for themselves and make decisions without being pressured. I've taught them that it's ok to say No, and it's also ok to say Yes.

I have never stressed abstinence nor have I ever encouraged my girls to have sex. I do understand and believe though, that sex is a natural human desire whether it be as a teenager or as a senior citizen. I have talked to my girls that sex is only a small part of a relationship. They have understood that sex in a committed and loving relationship can deepen the bond between a man and a woman. But they also know that there can be consequences to sex, whether it be pregnancy, sti's, or the emotional hurt that comes with a breakup. Sex can be wonderful but it can come with those consequences. My girls know that using proctection and birth control can help with some of the consequences and they also know the heartbreak that can come with a breakup.

As a Mom, I feel it is my job, not to tell my girls to be abstinent, but more that I want them to learn about love and committment and be able to make the mature decision to have sex on their own and on their own terms. I have never wanted my girls to think that sex is bad. I wanted them to grow up being healthy both emotionally and sexually and to realize that sex between two loving people can be very rewarding.

Yes, both of my girls became active as teenagers but both were and still are in committed relationships. Yes they enjoy sex, but they also enjoy the many other aspects of their relationships. Will their current loves last a lifetime? I do not know, however I do know that my daughters are very happy at this point in their lives and handle their relationships in a more mature way than many adults I know do.

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