"I know why a number of fathers want no part in their children's lives after a divorce. The lawyers, the bickering, the accusations, the tattle telling, the scheduling, the emotions, the hurt and the money issues. I know the reasons why quite a number of fathers disappear after a divorce. I don't condone it. But I know the reasons why they do!"
There is almost certainly nothing more stressful than losing day to day contact with your children. For fathers, the court system seems to have created an unfair bias against them. Many fathers do survive the divorce and family settlement proceedings unscathed, but a large majority do not. In the following paragraphs, I will detail just exactly how to plan and organize yourself as a divorced dad to stave off unnecessary heartache and nonsense. Follow these steps and you may find a bit solace and comfort. Remember! Millions of fathers are going through the heartache of the broken family, but staying involved. By doing so, you are already a winner.
Here is the Divorced Dad Survival Guide:
1. Get over the hurt as quickly as you possibly can. Children do not want their parents to harbor resentment to the other, no matter how bad the situation which led to the divorce. The children that take sides were pushed into that direction from one or both sides. You are hurt and there will be issues, but try to take the high road here. The father who uses his children to punish the ex-wife is in fact punishing himself, in his future relationships with his children. Children are sponges and feel and store emotions just as well as they do with angry words.
2. Time issues. You may lose time with your children in day to day life, but your time is now quality time. Every minute is more meaningful. Make it so.
3. Bond early. bond deeper. The earlier you show respect, encouragement and nurturing to your child, the deeper you have built a trusting, loving relationship. They once did a study on successful career men and women and those that could remember their best childhood memories with their parents all said they were constantly told that they were loved. Be genuine in your emotion, you can be angry, hurt and disappointed by your ex, but you will always love your children!
4. Be there! No one can stress more just how important it is to make every and all trade-offs and scheduled time with your children. You are staving off their fear of abandonment. You are teaching them that you will be there, even when you are not.
5. Cut through the BS! At some point kids like to pit one parent against the other. It is a way to test boundaries. Just take most accusations and drama with a grain of salt and use your own common sense. Creating a forest fire out of a little spark happens when parents try to feed the flames of falsehoods. Honesty always wins out.
6. Share common toys, games and woobies! Your children will want some consistency between two households. Be open to sharing a toy, game or hobby at the time of a trade-off.
7. If your children are different genders, arrange two separate bedrooms or sleeping places. That goes without saying. Actually this is the first snare outsiders will use as a test on a divorced dad. Keep your home clean, or somewhat picked up and orderly, but definitely separate the genders at bed time.
8. Keep up to date on shots and medical records. This is a must.
9. Never try to out buy your ex or relatives. This is not a competition. You can't buy love. You earn respect and admiration. Your time far outweighs your wallet.
10. "For the first six years I was an amusement park ride, for the next 20 I became an ATM machine!" Fatherhood goes through phases whether you see them every Wednesday and every other weekend or full custody. Your kids want your time, but they want a father more than another buddy!
11. Create a support network. This includes babysitters, day care providers, on call medical practitioners, even just a relative to help out in case of emergency. Nothing is worse than hearing your kid cough at 3 am and you can't leave the house to get children's cough syrup.
12. Have a moderate to fully stocked First Aid kit. Kids do get bumps and bruises, cuts and scrapes. it's all part of being a kid. By being prepared with children's aspirin, cold medicine, allergy medicine, band-aids and gauze (even tweezers for splinters), you are now on the road to being prepared for anything. Stitches not included!
13. Too young for a cell phone, but all his or her friends have one? Pre-paid phones can teach cell phone responsibility before tearing through minutes on a monthly billed network.
14. Get a car that is reliable. Drive your kids to their events. Get them there safe.
15. Have a second or third job! Find an extra source of income (like selling things on Ebay). Children are expensive, but you have to live, too. The extra money you make can pay for a night out when you are alone and trying to keep your mind occupied.
These are 15 simple steps to follow. You will create your own as you move along through fatherhood. You love your children, but they are no substitute for an adult relationship. Start dating again. Meet new people. But don't share your romantic and dating life by involving your kids at the onset. You have to gauge when the time is right and prepare acceptance from both sides. Kids get jealous, kids tattle and you don't want to go through this process time and time again. Being a father means you are a man. And by staying involved through the long haul makes you even more of man. You will survive!