by A J Grape

Created on: February 03, 2009   Last Updated: March 31, 2009

Master the Boston accent? Don't get me Staaahdid! The Boston accent is the most massacred of them all. Even movie stars screw it up. While locals, like Matt Daman, Ben Affleck and Mark Walberg are smooth as silk in their delivery; outsiders like Robyn Williams and Kevin Costner have proven to be atrocious butchers of our melodious dialect. It seems that they didn't take their studies seriously. To those of us who call Boston the Hub, we cringed at thier slightest over or under emphasized attempt to mimic our native sound.

In Good Will Hunting, Robyn Williams laid out some kind of weird morphing Bostonian/Canadian/Yankee confusion that went over like fingernails against chalkboard. And Kevin Costner in Thirteen Days sounded like he was doing his best to sound like JFK without sounding like JFK, because someone else in the movie was doing JFK. You had to see it, to know what I'm talking about. Yikes! Those accents were bad form, to say the least.

To master the dialect, it takes emersion. That is, if you must learn the accent, you'll have to delve in and mix it up with the locals. Learning this lingo will require more than a dainty online review. This will involve full exposure. I recommend that you get yourself to a Boston Bruins hockey game first for some realistic hardcore expression. And after that you might want to top off the night at a local pub. There, you'll be exposed to the full-monty of raw Boston-ease. You must complete these assignments to pass Boston Accent Crash Courses 101 & 102.

Now, let's say you've made it to the hockey game without a hitch. The guy you're sitting next to is the real deal. Let's call him Joe. He's talking it up with his buddy. Let's listen in.

(Joe) "Trying to get here was murdah. Is that my beeya?

(Joe's Buddy) "Yah, I almost drank it. It took ya long enough."

"Don't Staht! I took the tunnel and missed my exit. I couldn't bang a youie till I got halfway to New Hampshah. Who's that, Thawntin? COME ON! HIT UM! Oh man, Thawntin's in a mood tonight.

"Hit some traffic?"

"Yuh, Bumpa da bumpa. The tunnel is so screwed up. There he goes again. POUND UM, THAWNTIN! So I finally get heeya and theyuz no place to pahq. I had to circle around for a half an owah."

(Vendor) "PUP-QAWN."

"You pahqed at a meedah? WHOA! Thawntin took a headah!

(Vendor) "PUP-QAWN HEEYA."

"CHEAP SHOT! Hey, I'll take a pup-qawn. REF, WHAT-AH-YAH LOOKIN AT?"

(Vendor) "Five Dollahs."

(Joe) "He's going after Thorntin again! Here you go, five bucks. REF! WHAT ARE YOU BLIND?

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