by Antonia Sage

Created on: February 03, 2009

Like many women, I have been both a stay at home and working mom, and it is easy for me to see why this debate is not only irrelevant, but also insidious, because it pits one set of mothers against another. Parenting and profession are not mutually exclusive, especially in current times where single mothers are a growing constituency. If we must debate at all, then it must be about which parenting practices work best in present times.

SHADES OF GRAY

The demarcation between nurturer and provider (mother and father) is archaic and no longer valid. The presence of women in the workforce has served the cause of their gender well, endowing them with choice and the resources to enable these choices. Economic participation of women has far reaching effect on the lives of children who benefit from additional resources and resourceful, well-exposed mothers.

EFFECTIVE VS. INEFFECTIVE MOTHERING

Not everything mothers do is right. We hear often (and witness) the perpetuation of poor parenting practices, which include neglect, child abuse and endangerment. Both stay at home mothers and working mothers are capable of being ineffective mothers. It is more meaningful to examine practices that best benefit or compromise a child's interests - if our primary goal is determine what works best for a child.

EMPATHY, NOT JUDGEMENT

From personal experience, I can attest that neither role is easy. Stay at home mothers have to cope with limited resources (and decision making) owing to their dependent status. As primary caregivers, they are on call 100% of their waking hours, and bereft of adult company through most of the day. Working mothers have the support of other caregivers (baby-sitters, day care, etc.), but have to deal with the stress of constantly managing competing priorities. They are prone to work harder to prove that they are still good mothers.

QUALITY Vs. QUANTITY

This is the oldest argument in the book, and still holds its weight. It is not how much time you spend with your children, but what you do during that time. In this aspect, while stay at home moms have an advantage of that precious resource called time, how well this time is spent is the true test of whether this advantage has been converted into results.

LOOKING FORWARD, NOT BEHIND

The world has changed, and conventional this-or-that thinking doesn't serve our new reality. The challenges faced by children today, whether in playgrounds, classrooms, or inside our homes (with the rise of single parent or blended families) is vastly different from what we encountered as children. What children need has to be central to this debate, and all mothers stay at home moms or working moms have focus their efforts on doing what is best for the children.

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