by E.J. Lambda

Created on: February 03, 2009   Last Updated: February 28, 2009

Come on. If we were to all be truthful, how many of us have gotten snockered on cheap booze, dressed up like Maggie Gyllenhal for the evening, and had sexual fantasies of being spanked over a big oak desk by an extraordinarily creepy James Spader-esque lawyer?....

(crickets chirping)

...ok that would be no one. *Ahem*

Anyway, this film stars Maggie Gyllenhal as Lee Holloway, a cute, but self-loathing masochist with a penchant for being spanked over big oak desks by extraordinarily creepy James Spader-esque lawyers. How do we know she's a masochist? Because she WANTS to work in a law office. There's your first clue. Of course since she was just released from a mental hospital that would explain volumes about her desire to work for creepy lawyer-man.

Apparently her boss, E. Edward Grey (James Spader), doesn't take too kindly to his new hire and starts verbally berating her for the way she dresses. As hard as she tries to do a good job, she keeps screwing the pooch (settle down folks, it's just a phrase). She just can't seem to do anything right- much to the chagrin of her boss. Only when enough pooch-screwing has been accomplished does creepy lawyer-man (Spader) begin physically spanking Ms. Holloway. When I saw this happening I thought- "well...this....this is just fine!". This is where I really settled into the butt-groove of my couch and gave my strict, undivided attention to Maggie Gyllenhals backside...er...the movie. That is until he started doing unmentionable things that put me off eating for about a month.

Mrs. Holloway (Gyllenhal) apparently really likes being "disciplined" so she keeps coming up with new and inventive ways to displease her boss. She even put herself in a dog-collar/crucifixion-type contraption that I thought was just spiffy! Unfortunately it's all Hollywood fantasy. The only time you'll ever see anyone wearing one of those things in real-life is you're working at a bondage shop in L.A. and chances are the person wearing it will NOT look like Maggie Gyllenhal. Nope. They will be a 300 pound, hirsute, ass-less leather pants wearing, middle-aged man named "Rod". THAT, my friends, is the reality. THAT is why we go see films like Secretary.

As an aside I must say this is the only film that made me want to go to law school, become a creepy James Spader-esque lawyer, and hire a hot, but mentally unstable, secretary that I could spank and be a total creep to. Then I just reflected back to the wisdom of the tag-line from Last House on the Left, "It's only a movie, it's only a movie, it's only a movie..." I won't give too much away but I will say this film is fraught with laughs, tears, betrayal, soul-searching, heartwarming self-realization, and ultimately redemption. And at the end all I could think was- "I'm really horny".

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