by M.L. Bushman

Created on: February 03, 2009   Last Updated: February 15, 2009

How to make a restraining order work for you

Imagine. You think you've gotten free of that emotional or physical abuser, male or female, only to discover you've been found. And they won't let you go. You see them everywhere-why? Because they want you to see them, they want you to be annoyed, irritated, and even afraid. Abusers generally feed off negative energy and have no regard for limits, of the law or anything else. Well-meaning friends and family urge you to get a restraining order, but the nay-sayers point out, rightly so, that a piece of paper won't stop a bullet.

I was lucky. A states attorney who wished to prevent my murder pulled me aside just moments after I saw the judge and told me how to make my restraining order work. And if you're smart, you'll put it to work for you long before your situation gets out of hand.

First, get the darned order. Don't procrastinate, don't tell yourself tomorrow you'll do it. If you and/or your children feel the least bit threatened in any way by a former lover, husband, wife or stalker, get the order as soon as you can. And then familiarize yourself with its allowances and limitations. Know what the person restrained can and cannot do, how close he or she may come to you, your home or your place of work. And enlist your states attorney or district attorney's aid. Tell them what you plan to do should the restrained step over the line. Then follow through.

People who need to be restrained from intimidating or abusing others share one common trait-they are always testing the limits. If a judge tells them they cannot engage you in any kind of conversation, or even attempt to do so, they will, like my former abuser, start out with something seemingly innocuous, like waving at you while driving past you on the street. And this first breach of the order, no matter how slight or unimportant it seems to anyone else, even the police, is where your work begins. When this or something similar happens, the very first time it happens, take yourself down to the nearest police station and file a report, usually just a single page form with your story of exactly what happened with whom and when. If you have any witnesses and they are willing, take them with you and ask that they file a report as well, but file the report. Do not expect the police to act upon this report unless you've been threatened with bodily harm. This is only your first step in building a paper trail, a trail that, hopefully, will lead to court long before anything

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