by Loni Stel

Created on: February 01, 2009

We thought it was suicide when our son was found dead in our home. Hours later we learned of a dangerous game that 500-1000 kids each year are dying from the choking game which took our son's life. The two years that followed his death were horrible.
My marriage of over 20 years barely made it. Not only did my husband and I have to deal with our personal grief of losing our son, we also had to deal with our children who went through the tragedy, including our two sons who found their brother, and the awful drama of that day that affected each of our children. It's something that is etched in each of our minds, forever.

So, how does one cope with the death of a loved one? First, realize each and every person copes differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. No one ever gets "over" the death of a loved one. You get through it, one day at a time. For an outsider who wants to understand what to do for grieving family or friends, just be available, let the bereaved talk, and don't counsel.
Just listen. Be a shoulder to cry on. Remember the deceased. Say the person's name. Ignoring is the worst any person can do.

For the family going through this great deep pit of the valley of the shadow of death, survive one day at a time. Get up each day and make a goal for that day, to get through it. Don't compare yourself to others in how you are grieving.
If you are married, make a commitment that you will stay together. 75% of marriages do not survive after the death of a child. A couple special couple in my life lost their first child to SIDS. Before the funeral, their pastor had them renew their marriage vows. Pastor and family members need to understand that a marriage will need the strength of those from the outside upholding them and encouraging them to make it.

There is no time-line for when one is done grieving, and for many grieving will never end, but will get better. There will be a day when there is more smiles than tears, but tears will still come, because you will never stop loving the missed person in your life, therefore, there will always be that ache. Many think after the first year, you've gotten through all the firsts, so therefore, you are all better. WRONG! For us, the second year was harder. The first year was a fog. Now we really had to deal with it. Finding that "new normal" after the loss of someone can take quite some time. It will never be the same.

Coping with the death of a loved one is different for each person. It takes understanding of the person going through it, and those in that person's life, that it does take time, and forgiveness. People do not act their normal self in going through grief.
Sometimes professional help is needed but in my experience we mainly just needed people in our lives who cared, understood, did not judge, and remembered with us. My faith in God, knowing without a doubt I will see my son again in heaven is definitely a hope I hang on to, but does not make my missing him go away.

Loving, forgiving, remembering and taking it one day at a time with no deadlines are the most important parts of coping through grief.

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