by Donna LaHale

Created on: January 31, 2009   Last Updated: February 07, 2009

It's not easy peeling a screaming three year old from her death grip on your legs, begging, "Please, pah-leeze, please, Mommy...don't go". Those words are hard for any parent to hear. We want to reassure our children that we love them, and we are not leaving forever.

A little pre-planning and communication can lessen this childhood ritual and make it easier for both yourself and the toddler in your life!

Start by making sure you tell your child you are going to be gone. Tell them a couple days ahead of time. Prepare them, and be honest. "Mommy and Daddy are going to a grown up party on Friday. We asked Kathy to come over and play with you for the night." This gives your child the ability to know that someone is coming over sometime in the future. They may not understand "Friday", they may know Kathy, but not be able to visualize what all this means. However, they will have heard it, and therefore it will be somewhat familiar.

At some point before the sitter arrives, preferably a day or so, give the child a couple choices. "What would you like for dinner when Kathy comes to play on Friday?" Let the child decide, and let them draw a picture of that choice to hang on the refrigerator. Make sure they know that when Kathy arrives, it is their job to explain the dinner plans. This lets them have some choices, and a feeling that they have some control over the planned separation.

The day of the event, spend a little more time with a few more choices. Maybe you suggest they draw more pictures of the things they will do with Kathy that evening. They can show themselves (encourage them to draw the sitter into the picture) watching a movie, playing a game, eating dinner, having a bath, or whatever activities you have planned. This gives them something to look forward to sharing with the sitter when he/she arrives.

This process will help your child begin formulating a timeline in their mind. Of course, it will not look or feel anything like the timeline in an adult's mind. However, it is not the adult we're trying to influence here!

All the preparation in the world will not guarantee that when the sitter arrives, your toddler will rush into their open arms, smile and wave goodbye to Mommy and Daddy. They may still cry, and plead. But, you are now armed with some tools they themselves have created to ease them into the night. It is easy to ask them to get the picture directions they've prepared for the sitter and make sure the sitter understands what their night holds, from the toddler's perspective of course.

In the entire process, don't forget to leave an instruction sheet of your own for the sitter. Include your numbers, the location and number of where you will be, an alternative contact, and anticipated timeline for the night. All these things will help the sitter be more comfortable and more at ease with your child.

Ultimately, you will have to find the right way to communicate with your child. This is just one idea, and there are no guarantees of success. However, I believe you will find the root of all the methods will be honest communication. Setting expectations, and explaining, sometimes many times, what is going to happen. Over time, your child will know that when you say "I'll be back after the party" that you will indeed be back.

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