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In the past year I experienced the 18 month struggle between my brother, Paul, and his metastatic prostrate cancer, diagnosed at stage four. In the beginning the struggle was mostly emotional and mental. Someone and their family and friends trying to 'get a handle' on what it meant to die. Trying to wrap your brain around such a thing causes enormous emotional pain. One thing I never really understood was why I, not being the person dying, was experiencing such traumatic pain and anxiety?

Whenever I watch as my brother had a panic attack, a feeling of near drowning with the thoughts of death that your throat closes up in an attempt to break up your panicky thoughts only causing more panic, I suffered as I have never suffered. I never felt such agony, I have experienced three divorces, and I even lost custody of my own child once, I never experienced this agony.

Over the course of the months Paul was progressively deteriorating, he experienced pain, and everyone had told us he wouldn't have such pain because of all the pain control drugs available these days. And yet, he did have extraordinary pain. I think the medical profession would like to BELIEVE that they can control pain but in reality they are trying to reach out into the dark for answers.

I watched as every bone in Paul's body became fragile and excruciatingly painful to the touch, trying to get a good balance of drugs that would alleviated his suffering was a process that caused anxiety and pain, he was unable to sleep for several months and because of his unstable frame of mind and fragile bone structure someone had to stay awake with him so he would not try to climb stairs and fall.

He would grope out in the datkness for help and often he wouldn't even know what he was doing. The emotional pain of that time is hard for me to remember without feeling the pain all over again.

I don't believe that we experience that kind of pain needlessly because I believe in a Higher Power Whom I choose to call GOD, and He allows us to feel that pain for a reason albeit other people will not understand what I'm about to say. I believe that God recognizes our pain and suffering and He accepts it as repentance for sin in our lives, and if we are lucky enough to understand that, and we offer that pain to Him in repentance for our sin, we become more blessed in His Eyes than ever before.

As Jesus hung on the cross, dying to take away our sins and blot out sin of man in the Eyes of His Father, so we have the chance to do the same and become wholly irreproachable and unblamable in God's Eyes. No we don't have to PAY for God's Grace, or for His Love of us, that is free, but what a wonderful sacrifice to God, if we acknowledge it so, our pain and suffering.

I don't believe God wants us to suffer at all, but if for some reason we do, and we all do, offering it to God is the most blessed thing we can ever do!

Learn more about this author, Leah Davidson.
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