by Nikki Stoneroad

Created on: January 30, 2009   Last Updated: January 31, 2010

Mom's on a diet, suffer the family. No more home cooking and baked goods. Veggie trays and fruit bowls abound for everyone. Not to mention the wrath of my inconsistent mood swings. How will my family make it through these hard times? You know I was starting to wonder why I try to accommodate them and make the transition easier on them. I will still take them for fast food, I just won't order for myself. And I will still buy lots of junk food and salivate while they are eating it and I am sucking down my glass of crushed ice. And no one will ever be the wiser about my late night escapades, just me, the night, and cold pavement under my feet, while I rendezvous with exercises.

And so I created a wish list for my family. A guideline for them to follow in order to support me in my quest for health and oh, yeah, a hot body.

1) Do not ask me what we have to eat! I'm on a diet for god sakes. Food is the only thing on my mind, always at the forefront, and I will carousel into a state of fight or flight, and I warn you I will not go silently. Sorry, but my sugar levels are dangerously low.

2) Rub my tired, achy feet once in a while. My body has gone through this rigorous transformation three times with each one of you children. Oh, the agony. And now I suffer through the pain of trying to get my body back from that awful place that it has been evicted to, while you tirelessly whine about how hard your life is. Don't you think your mother deserves a little foot massage? Oh, and by the way, thanks again for the free and painless breast enhancement. Damn, I never had it this good before becoming pregnant.

3) Help out a little with the housework. Where do you expect me to find the time to fit in exercise? You want me to look good as long as it doesn't interfere with my motherly duties or play into your time. Newsflash: Mommy is on vacation.

4) Do not point out every other mother who is hot and skinny and who has popped out 5.3 children. This is not being supportive. This is being plain mean. And don't forget, I've been lifting weights. And I will use these arms for more than carrying your laundry around.

5) Must you really bring me candy and doughnuts every day? And must we eat out all the time? Oh, I forgot. I'm not cooking. Still, that is no excuse. This has to stop. I do not have a tapeworm living inside me intoxicating itself on the poisons you feed it. And I also lack your metabolism. Jealous? A little. Okay, I'm really jealous. And I'm fiery mad. I feel another mood swing coming on. You better step out of the way. I'm on the warpath of destruction.

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