by Jessica Fayth

Created on: January 29, 2009   Last Updated: July 23, 2009

I really don't want to write this but I do so in hopes that if I put it on paper, it will go away. I guess I am hoping this will be therapeutic. But, I fear my husband would be hurt if he were to ever read this. Although, I promise there is no need for him to be. I do not love my ex. Instead, I am haunted by him.

I refuse to write his name. I simply cannot. He has caused me so much turmoil. We dated for two years beginning when I was a sophomore in college and he was a freshman. Yes, I was a fool to date a younger boy. I would not dare refer to him as a man; as he definitely was not! I just wish I had realized this sooner. I assume that is what they mean by love being blind. I sure was blind, deaf and dumb! Beyonce really hit the nail on the head with, "If I Were A Boy." I completely relate! Anyway, we dated until the end of my senior year of college. I do not have fond memories of what should have been a great milestone for me. He made my life a living hell and was able to prolong what should have been an easy break up into a 3 year nightmare.

The past is the past and should be left there. However, I felt so strongly for this "boy" that I believed the lies he constantly fed me. Even though we were broken up, he insisted we remain close. I would try and try to ignore him, but he kept pushing his way back into my life. If I ignored his calls, he would contact my sister and friends and convince them to get me to talk to him. Every time I begged him to leave me alone and let me move on, he refused to. All I ever wanted was closure, but he couldn't give it to me. Instead, he played games with my head and made me feel like I was going crazy. I in turn, took this out on other guys. If I did try and date another guy, the ex would sabotage my attempt at another relationship. I felt so trapped.

The ex didn't want to be with me but he didn't want me to be with any one else. Even worse were the mental games he played. He would tell me he loved me and then take it back. He would make me think we were getting back together and then break up with me all over again. We would make plans to go out and then he would cancel at the last minute or pretend as though he forgot about it. One time in particular, he called me and asked me if I was going to his party. I was confused because I didn't know about a party. When he heard my voice he hung up. He had called me by accident.

But I found out he was having a party and didn't invite me. I felt so hurt. Why did he insist on making

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