by Loni Stel

Created on: January 29, 2009

I have as very precious keepsakes some final gifts that were given in memory after the deaths of my two children. So often people do not know what to say, but mementos that are given can last a lifetime.

Besides having a boxful of cards and letters from family and friends sharing their comforting words and drawings from young children, I have a bracelet that a mom put on my wrist as I stood by the casket of my son. It is sterling silver with balls angel charms. She also had lost a child, and knew I'd treasure it. Another friend of mine gave me a charm from her deceased mom, to put on another one of my bracelets. I was given several WillowTree figurines and ornaments with my children's names on it.

In thinking of giving a gift to a person who is dying, think of it not only for that person, but also for the person who it will inherit it. How about a lap quilt even using special clothes that are made into a lap quilt that will become a memory quilt. A dying person will treasure the warmth and memories of it the person who receives this quilt will have a special memory quilt.

Often people just do not know what to do when someone is dying or has died. The gift of presence cannot be expressed enough how important it is. When someone is dying, just to go and sit with the person, hold their hand, read to them, sitting sometimes in silence, just so they know they are not alone, is not only helpful for the dying person, but can give the other family members and caretakers some relief.
Going into a home where someone is dying and doing the dishes, cleaning the refrigerator, or offering to do grocery shopping or simple chores around the house, can be so greatly appreciated. Doing outdoor chores that can be overwhelming such as snow shoveling, mowing, raking leaves or weeding can be such a gift of love and a great relief to family members. It does not always take deep words or an expensive gift to show how much you care.

One thing that so many often give are flowers, but if someone is dying or has died, the reminder of this is dead flowers. Flowers do not last forever, unless they are ones that can be replanted. A living tree or shrubbery is a special gift that can be planted in memory or even planted at the cemetery.

Keep in mind to be sensitive yet, many times it can be something short and sweet. Understand that each person grieves differently, and those surrounding the death may react in supposedly irrational ways.
Understand this and do not take it personally. Be loving, soft spoken and available. It will be bittersweet part of remembering a loved one.

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