by Aimee Schrader

Created on: January 27, 2009

Divorce. One word that encompasses a host of emotions- pain, sorrow, separation, grief, relief, and more. It is a word that sums up the separation of two of the most important people in a child's life, mom and dad. While parents go though a large portion of the same emotions that the children face, there is one thing that makes the whole situation different for parents, the fact that this was their decision. A child is thrown into the tumults that encompass divorce against their will, and many times have no idea what has caused the change. In my opinion, children should know the reasons for divorce when they are old enough and mature enough to handle them. Until that time arises, though, it is best to start with the basics.

Kids need to know first and foremost that the divorce is not their fault. There is nothing in the world that a child can do that will cause parents to separate, and they need to be reassured of that fact. Young children may think that because they didn't clean up their room, or because their grades were bad, that they caused mom and dad to not love each other anymore. These feelings of blame need to be erased from your child's mind immediately, and will help to ease the pain of separation if they know it's not their fault.

Kids need to know that their parents still love them. That even though feelings for the other parent have changed, the love that they have for their children is unconditional and unchanging.

Kids need to know that things will change. Without a doubt there will be issues with custody, visitation, who has the kids for which holidays, etc. Be upfront from the beginning about the changes that will occur, this way kids won't be surprised or scared when they happen.

Kids need to know that there are all kinds of families in this world. Some kids live with both parents, some with just mom, some with just dad, some with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even some with people they aren't related to. Kids need to know that this is okay, and that even though things are changing, they are still part of a family that loves them.

Kids need to know that through all the changes that occur, it's okay to show their emotions. It's okay to cry about the fact that mom and dad aren't together any more. It's okay to scream into a pillow. It's okay to write stories, draw pictures, and talk about the feelings that they have inside of them. In fact, it's best for them. They need to know that whatever their reactions happen to be, they are okay. Kids need to know that they will not be judged by their feelings and reactions.

There are so many other things that kids need to know when going through a divorce. Such as will I have all my toys in the same house, or will we still have pizza on Friday nights? These, though, can only be handled by the parents who love them. Parents need to know how much their kids need them at this time. I hope that if you are going through a divorce that you remember through your own hurt and uncertainty just how much your kids need your love and your time. With this, you will all make it through.

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