by Robin Degner

Created on: January 27, 2009

Of course gifts, to a certain degree, do lead to affection. But it's momentary and it's not real. It's not that they're happy to see you, or that they love you, it's that they love what they give you.

When I was a kid, the parents of some of my close friends split up. The kids lived with their mother, who didn't have money to spend on the things they wanted, like toys and games. Their father didn't pay child support and was constantly moving so he wouldn't get caught. When they did spend time with him, he let them stay up as late as he wanted, let them watch any movies they wanted, and spent lots of money on video games, video game systems and the other things they wanted. They loved him for that. In their eyes, what their dad offered was better than what their mom offered. It wasn't until much later that they realized he didn't actually care about them the way they wanted him to.

Another friend, a single mom, was upset over Christmas because of the amount of gifts her daughter's dad could bestow onto their daughter. Buying gifts both as herself and Santa, paying bills and still in school, she clearly wasn't able to go to quite the same lengths as her ex. As she told me in tears over the phone, "It makes me look like I don't love her, Santa looks pretty pathetic and he looks like a god!" But when their daughter grows up, she'll remember who was there for her, who took care of her and who did her best to make things work, who achieved a college education so she could provide everything for her daughter and she'll remember the man who bought her gifts but wouldn't spend time playing with them or with her.

A child I babysat for several years loved his toys. He loved Star Wars, and even before he turned five, he had every Star Wars video and computer game on the market, all the movies, several "light sabers" and other Star Wars paraphernalia. Did he love the things they bought him? Yes. But do you know what he missed? The affection a parent can bestow on a child. His parents both worked full time and to show them that they loved him, felt they had to buy him things. Instead of playing games on the floor, he watched television and played trains alone. Did he love his parents? Of course, but an important aspect of their relationship is missing, because he was taught to love them because of their money.

Can you buy your child's love and affection? Not really. You buy what they're offering: love based on the momentary excitement of receiving a new, valuable gift. That's not affection you're seeing. That's their beautiful, guileless eyes turned to you in what you perceive as innocence, as they plot the best way to get their next new toy.

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