by Petro Maritz

Created on: January 27, 2009

The loss of a loved one is at the best of times a very disruptive and shocking experience. People often find it hard to express their sympathy towards friends or family who have just suffered a loss like this. It was only with the death of my father that I came to truly understand the value of expressing sincere sympathy.

I can still remember the confusion of those few days before and just after the funeral of my dad. People came and went everybody saying how sorry they were for our loss. People brought cards and gifts and sent truck loads of flowers.

I truly valued every hug and every card. Before the death of my father, I hated having to sympathize with people because I never knew what to say. Everyone just say that they are sorry and it seemed to me that it had become somewhat of a clich. Since that horrible time in my life, I've came to the conclusion that saying it, is best.

With the funeral, I got a few unexpected responses. Through the complete chaos, some things stuck with me. An old friend of mine got to hear of the death of my father. We haven't spoken in years. Yet he phoned me and sympathized. He also took a day off work and drove a hundred miles just to attend the funeral. I cannot put into words what this meant to me. Although we haven't spoken since, I appreciate his gesture tremendously.

Another friend simply couldn't make it to the funeral. He tried to get out of his meetings but there was just no way. He compromised by attending all his meetings and then drove a hundred miles to be able to sympathize personally and give me a hug. I will forever treasure him as a true friend.

My very best friend, however, was on her way to a holiday on the day of the funeral. She used another, half baked excuse for not being able to attend. After the funeral she hasn't visited me for months. Our friendship have never been the same again.

People who were not able to attend sent cards, and I loved it, because it meant that they cared. We received so many flowers that there was no place to put it, and for weeks afterward I was continually reminded of the funeral because of it. The flowers confused me one part of me hated it because of the reminder. Another wanted to keep it alive for as long as possible because in a strange way it connected me with my dad.

Some people sent books and other gifts. Although I really appreciate it, I've put it away in a cupboard and don't want anything to do with it. Each time I see it I am forced to remember.

Each person experiences grieve differently and therefore have different needs when it comes to being sympathized with. From personal experience I set up a few rules that I follow when I sympathize to a friend:

Do say it out loud, no matter how many people said it before. Make every effort you can to attend the funeral and to sympathize personally. If you really cannot attend, send a card. Write the card personally and say what you feel, not what you think should be said. Sending flowers and gifts are a personal choice that I have chosen against. I do not send gifts or flowers. I'd rather go for coffee a week or two later, just for a chat and to show that I still care and that I haven't forgot.

In times of loss people's sincerity are often most valued. Gifts and cards are nice but your true friendship and love will most definitely be valued much more.

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