by EnnisP

Created on: January 27, 2009

This is not an easy question to answer. Divorce and the circumstances under which it occurs have become quite diverse. Thirty years ago there were very few divorces and the answers were easier to isolate. Today divorce happens very often (50% divorce rate) and for very different reasons.

Sometimes divorce occurs after decades of apparently good marriage and at other times the end comes before any plates are chipped or glasses broken.

In some cases the kids are grown adults, with marriages and kids of their own and in others the "kids" are still in diapers.

Sometimes there are strong bonds with the extended family and at other times there is no love loss in any direction. Oddly enough, extended families have been known to encourage divorce even when the marriage wasn't in trouble. They were not happy with the marriage in the first place and they are glad to see it over. On other occasions everyone grieves.

Sometimes there are enormous financial implications. Assets of all kinds are occasionally a part of the marriage package: houses, trusts, positions, etc. Settling the division of these assets can get sticky even when there is a prenuptial agreement. The kids can get caught in the middle of these financial tussles for years.

Sometimes divorce brings financial disaster. When a home that barely gets by on two incomes suddenly becomes two homes with only one income each, and a large divorce bill to pay as well, money is tight for everyone. Living with the pressure is like reliving the divorce every day. The divorce is never quite over.

Honestly? Sometimes divorce brings a huge sense of relief. When the divorce finally comes, everyone, including the kids, are only grateful that the abuse and incrimination is over. In these cases, you can see it coming and can't wait for it to arrive. You will have a hard time convincing kids in this situation that divorce is a sad thing.

So, what do kids need to know about divorce? Well, it depends on the divorce. We'll need to understand the situation and the child before we can formulate an appropriate response.

And, kids know when we are winging it or being dismissive. They have had lots of experience with empty promises and broken commitments. Casual or glib responses will be met with deaf ears.

The truth is, if we are going to answer this question we will have to be thoughtful. The last thing we need do is give every child the same answer. If you treat every child the same you are treating at least some of them wrong. If any particular child, adolescent or adult, has questions about the divorce through which they lived, we should be very deliberate with our response. Stock answers just will not do.

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