by Susan Nichols

Created on: January 27, 2009

I had always been told about abusive relationships, the signs of an abusive relationship, and what to do if you are in one, but I never imagined I would have to experience it first hand. I still make excuses for him even now. Some of the things he would say and do completely shock me when I think back now and realize how bad it actually was and how I did nothing to stop it. It wasn't all physical, in fact, not much of it was physical at all, but many people, including myself, believe that emotional and mental abusive can actually have a worse affect on someone than if they were to be physically beaten. When I was younger I would say if anyone ever hit me or abused me in any way, I would leave on the spot, but I never realized how hard that actually is to do until you're put in that position. Mainly it was name calling, looking at and commenting on other girls that would walk by or were on the television, comparing me to other people. And then there was the occasional pushing or slamming against a wall, which was "my fault" because I got in his way when he was mad and wanted to leave. I never understood the point of levaing when you're mad. You would think it would be better to talk things through, but he didn't. He always wanted to leave. And then one day I found out he had cheated, and somehow, that got turned around on me too. Everything was always my fault. I brought it on myself by things I would say or things I would do. That's how he justified it at least. And I guess that's how I justified things he did too. I felt like if I blamed it on myself it made him look better and made me want to stay with him more. I can honestly say now that I was a victim of not only physical abuse, but mental and emotional abuse as well. I never realized how much what he said actually affected me until I left him and found someone much better. The love of my life now always tells me that he can tel where it is that my ex broke me down. Self esteem mostly. I put myself down alot, but I'm getting better. My new love lways compliments me and is the complete opposite of my ex. He makes me feel so much better. He treats me like I should be treated. He treats me the way a man should treat a woman he loves, and it's absolutely amazing. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He has helped me work through the pain of my past relationship and look toward a brighter future. All I can say is that I'm so glad I realized I was being abused when I did, because the longer it takes, the worse things get. And that's how it was in my last relationship. It never got any better. He would make it appear that it was getting better, and then everything would crash and be worse than before.

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