It's important to remember that trust and forgiveness work both ways - from child to parent, and from parent to child.
A child comes into this world totally helpless and incapable of survival without implicitly trusting that the adults (parents) in his/her life will provide all of the basic necessities required for living and thriving. As long as the child receives the basics of survival - food, clothing, shelter, protection and safety, physical, emotional and mental stimulation, love and need are all wrapped up together with trust.
Throughout the child's toddler and preschool years, even as the child learns about boundaries, the rules about right and wrong and the difference between them, and the consequences of disobeying parent and societal norms, the absolute trust continues, unquestioningly, as long as their needs for basic survival and personal growth continue to be met.
So, at what point does the trust a child feels for a parent become at risk? It is the first time that the child believes that the parent no longer has his/her best interests at heart, the first time the parent breaches the child's trust. Up to that point, trust is given freely, unquestioningly. After that, trust is something that must be earned.
Unfortunately, in some horrific cases, small children receive abuse and/or failure to provide the necessities of life from the adults in whom they placed their trust . In such cases, they learn to distrust at a very early age, and it is heartbreaking when that scenario occurs, because it would take a very long time and intensive therapy before they could ever if ever, trust again.
For most children, they learn from their early years that it is to their advantage to give adults, especially their parents, the benefit of their trust, because parents are the source of their lifestyles. Even though they may challenge their parents' decisions, rules, or actions from time to time, children give their trust easily.
Parents are human beings and as such, are imperfect, fallible beings. As a species, we are given to making mistakes and misjudgements. Those who want to be the best they can be as individuals are open to taking risks and making errors, and view mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth.
Why is it then, that many parents pretend to be perfect and would never admit to any child, least of all their own child, that they made mistakes? Many parents wouldn't be caught dead apologizing to their children, and view being wrong as a sign of weakness that would jeopardize their position of authority. Quite the opposite, it's when parents are at the point of apology and acknowledging their imperfections that children are more likely to forgive parental errors, because they want to be able to continue to trust their parent.
Conversely, parents want to be able to continue to trust their children. Parents would be far more willing and able to forgive a child's error in judgement if the child would acknowledge mistakes, apologize and seek for forgiveness (especially once the children reach their teen years).
Children model their parents' behaviours. Children who are unwilling or unable to forgive are very likely emulating a parent's (or parents') inability or unwillingness to forgive. Where there is a lack of forgiveness, a lack of trust and respect also develop.
I know forgiveness, trust and respect go hand in hand, through personal experience. My husband and I had goals for raising our two children: we wanted them to grow up to be goal-driven; independent thinkers; self-sufficient individuals; confident risk-takers; astute lifelong learners; and sensitive, caring, philanthropic community members. Today, as adults in their early and mid-thirties, that's exactly who and what they are.
It wasn't always easy. It was hard work. My husband and I made lots of mistakes. Some of them were serious, and we acknowledged them and accepted the consequences. We started asking our kids from the early age of two, their opinions about family-related matters, as appropriate. They always knew that their thoughts and ideas were important and were considered, whether they got their own way or not. They always felt trusted. As we all grew and aged and learned, as a family we all supported one another, and always kept one another focused on the family goals. And as individuals, if we made mistakes, we accepted responsibility for our actions and sought forgiveness from the others through our apologies.
Each of us was presumed "trustworthy", and enjoyed the benefits of a big account filled with "trust". Sometimes. actions or words caused a withdrawal from some one's "trust" account. Once some trust was lost that person was responsible for building the "trust" account back up, in a way that was most meaningful to the others. It could be a simple apology or an explanation. It could be living daily with the feelings caused by watching the people you love feeling sad and hurt because they were not sure they could not always trust you. Or, it could be promising and taking visible, measurable steps over time, with the intention of regaining a level of trust and building the trust account back up.
Actions that caused loss of "trust" never caused loss of LOVE. It was always understood that regardless of the situation and its severity, we could always expect to receive the unconditional love, support and encouragement of the others. Their forgiveness and a chance to be redeemed strengthened the trust among us.
As husband and wife, we always apologize to one another. As parents, we have always apologized to our children. Our kids are never surprised to hear us admit to them that we are not superhuman, and have always accepted our apologies. As parents, we accept the apologies of our children when they make a wrong decision or take a wrong course of action. We can always trust one another to try to avoid repeating the same mistakes, and to try do better next time.
As adults, we have always created learning experiences from our mistakes and taught our children to do the same. As parents, we have always invited the children to discuss perceived unfair decisions and/or rules, and to express their suggestions and comments. Sometimes they argued their cases well, and we changed our minds. Sometimes, they had to accept our decisions as final. And, sometimes, we let them experiment (under safe conditions, of course) just for the learning experience. If they were successful, we celebrated. If not, we reviewed with them what went wrong and what could be done differently next time.
In family relationships where neither parents nor children are willing to forgive, can trust be achieved? Can forgiveness occur when there is no acknowledgement of responsibility or accountability, and no apology? I think YES, there can be - not only can be, but must be. Uncovering and rehashing past mistakes, and blaming one another for an unhappy quality of life serves only to keep old wounds open and festering and creates victims. People can and do regret actions in their pasts. People can and do change.
By agreeing to leave the past and past hurts behind, and by focusing on creating a future filled with positive, forgiving, trusting, and loving relationships, the past can be forgiven. And brand new, big, full "trust" accounts can be established, to replace distrust, bitterness and anger once and for all.