by Paul Lines

Created on: January 25, 2009

Trust is one of the pillars upon which the relationship between a child and his or her parent is founded. If there is no trust the child-parent relationship is at worst non-existent and at best severely damaged. Trust between a parent and a child has to be earned by both and it can easily be broken. However, does a breach of trust mean that this part of the relationship cannot be repaired? As will be explained, the answer is an emphatic no!

Irrespective of how determined children are to earn the trust of their parents, and vice-versa for that matter, they are human and there will be times when their efforts falter and the parent will feel that the trust has been broken. How often on these occasions have we heard, been on the receiving end of, or even spoken the works "I will never trust you again." How hurtful that word "never" can be and, in retrospect it is not the right word to use in connection with trust. For to say never is to send a message to the child that, no matter what they do or say in the future, they will never be able to recapture of the special relationship that existed between them and their parent when trust was there. Furthermore, if they believe that they will never be trusted again what would be the point of trying to make amends.

It is quite right for a parent to be disappointed when the trust between them and the child is broken and some sort of punishment, such as the child being "grounded" for a period of time, is acceptable. However, one important element that goes hand in hand with trust, and that should never be forgotten or undervalued, is forgiveness. Forgiveness is one of the central pillars of unconditional love and this, when all else is considered, is what a parent-child relationship should be, unconditional.

Not being able to forgive a breach of trust by our child is to place limitations around the love we feel for them. Is that really our intention? Therefore, once the issue of the breach has been dealt with it is important to forgive the child and move back to the loving relationship we want to enjoy with them.

Furthermore, forgiveness is important for the child. If they are not forgiven they will notice that there is a difference in the relationship and this could have an adverse effect upon them and their future actions. If they are not forgiven they will have to live with regret and sadness. Is that what we really want for them?

We are taught through many phases of development into adulthood that forgiveness is important. Most will recall the saying "to err is human, to forgive is divine." However, bearing in mind that the vast majority of us cannot class ourselves as divine, perhaps it is better in terms of the parent-child relationship to use the phrase "to err is human, to forgive is to understand the humanity within ourselves and our child and to let love heal."

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