Everyone knows the text book ways to pass time on a long flight:
1) Read a book.
2) Listen to music.
3) Watch the in-flight movie.
Boring.
I've traveled extensively over the past few years, from Australia to Europe, and I've compiled a list of the five best ways to pass the time on a long flight. Buckle up, because with these, it'll be a bumpy - but fun - ride.
1) Crossword puzzles.
Crossword puzzles? Sounds even more boring than a book right - wrong. The best way to pass time on a long flight is by using the crossword puzzle located at the back of whatever overpriced sky mall catalogue is wedged into the back of the seat in front of you. Simply, take the magazine out and get to work on the puzzle. The secret here is to write the most ridiculous answers you can fit into the spaces provided. If six down is "blank cadabra" - four letters - don't write "abra," write " face." If eight across is a unit of time - six letters - don't write "minute," put "noodle." Fill in about half of the puzzle this way.
The best part comes next, when after visibly struggling with the crossword puzzle for about half an hour - sighing, chewing on your pencil, and shifting in your seat in frustration are key - turn to the person sitting next to you and say, "I'm stuck here. Would you mind helping me with a few just to get me started again?" 99% of people will be more than glad to help you out, and while they sift through your insane babble stare intently at them. They'll grow increasingly nervous, and will most likely hand back the puzzle untouched with a fake chagrin. After that you get to watch them stew in their own awkward juices for the next eleven hours. When you fly over Fiji, shout out, "Fiji! I needed a four letter word for awesome." Smile big.
2) Fake napping.
Most lengthy flights have an overnight period when the cabin lights are dimmed, the crew are not roaming the aisles, and most passengers are dozing. While it's fun to mess with people at night, it's just too obvious. That's why tip #2 on the list is to fall asleep in the day time, preferable right after boarding.
The middle seat is the best place to start your fake nap, but any chair will do so long as someone is sitting next to you. To accomplish this time-consuming and pointless joke, simply grab one of those faux polyester airplane blankets, as many pillows as you can snag from the overhead compartment (you know, the one at the front where the flight attendants are hiding all the good pillows) and prepare to rack OUT. Situate yourself like you're a five-year old about to build a fort in the living room. Trap a corner of the blanket in the fold up tray in front of you. Ram six pillows behind your back, next to your armrest, and on either side of your head. If you have a jacket ball it up and use that too - you cannot have enough bedding for this one to work.
Now sit in the center of your chair and lean back with your mouth gaping wide. Give it a few minutes - it has to be believable - and start with a soft snore. Nothing over the top, but enough to be annoying. Let that continue for a while, then up the ante by leaning to whichever side doesn't have the six-foot-five monster that will murder you, and lean on their shoulder. Take the snoring up a notch. At this point the person will most likely nudge you back onto your side of the chair, but like we learned on road trips as a kid, that invisible line down the seat isn't going to stop you from kicking your sister every five minutes. Keep up a steady loll to one side, mixing it up with an occasional violent start of wakefulness before you snuggle back into your fort.
With enough luck you'll be seated next to a patient soul that will endure anything you can dish out. If this is the case, drool ruthlessly, kick occasionally, and stifle the laughter - no one laughs in their sleep. The best part about this one, is that if you fake it hard enough, you might actually put yourself to sleep.
3) Hot person battleship.
This one only works if you're traveling with a friend, or if the person next to you liked your crossword answers and is now your new best friend. Basically, all you have to do is sit back and call out your targets. "E, 22" is no longer a seat number, but a potential hottie waiting to be discovered. Taking turns you and your new crossword friend randomly announce aisle and seat numbers in an attempt to find the hottest people on the plane. When a number is called, the other person playing sits up and investigates the hotness of the seat occupant. If they're hot, its a hit. If not, a miss. Five hits wins the game, and the winner gets the loser's peanuts.
4) Thinking about stuff.
I find that a long flight is a great opportunity to really reflect on where my life is going, using the high altitude and beautiful landscapes scattered below as a metaphor for my destination - both literal and figuratively. It's a rare time when we as humans are removed from the day to day pace and frantic bustle of society and we can see our lives in the purity of intellectual abstraction.
This usually lasts about five minutes.
5) Drink. A lot.
Start at the terminal, before you take off, during the flight, while you should be sleeping, and as you land. Have a shot for every cloud you see. Shotgun a beer every time you buzz the flight attendant (do it a lot). You'll feel like you're the one flying. Trust me it's awesome. Your flight will fly by - ha ha get it - "fly." Man, I'm drunk.
Hope you enjoyed the advice and good luck on your next long flight.