by Carolyn O'Brien

Created on: January 25, 2009

Ask any expectant woman her views on motherhood and you will undoubtedly uncover a plethora of theories. Nowhere among them however, are you likely to find the cliched and outmoded tactics her own mother resorted to. That, at least, is the theory. How vehemently we vow we will not fall prey to those universal 'motherisms'. Here are some of them. How guilty are you?

"When I was your age..."

This is an excellent strategy for making a child feel guilty for daring to want. If Mum grew up in a remote hovel without the benefit of electricity, three to a bed and with no running water, how dare this insolent, selfish child believe herself worthy of an electric blanket? Logical argument will be met with more hard life cliches - walking two miles to school, eating bread and dripping and what about those poor children who do not even have a bed? You ought to be ashamed. And so she is.

The danger in statements such as these is that they foster a scarcity mentality in the child by sending 'you're not worthy' messages. Therapists are seeing clients everyday who are struggling with self-imposed limitations in their adult life caused in many instances, by an attitude encouraged by their parents, albeit unwittingly, which precludes success.

As we grow we are exposed to many ideas, feelings and prejudices held by our parents. We adopt these beliefs and assumptions as our own, as indeed they did, and guide our lives accordingly. Because most of these are hidden, we are unaware of the extent to which they rule our actions and reactions. If these messages are detrimental to our personal growth and potential, we can suffer enormous guilt and pressure when we go against them. We feel traitorous and don't trust ourselves to redefine our convictions or venture outside of our prejudiced experience.

Look what you're doing to me..."

This works better on older children and teenagers, making them responsible for every line on your face. Often followed by "afer all I've done for you" and vague allusions to 24 hours of labour. So now the child is responsible for the varicose veins, the sleepless nights, the poverty, you name it, and ultimately even the imminent heart attack. The dangerous thing about this kind of manipulation is that mothers can get away with it for a long, long time, sometimes forever, certainly well into adulthood.

"I'm only your mother, why should you listen to me?"... Why indeed you pathetic creature?

"Wait till your father gets home ..."

This is the pitiful final ditch effort

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