by Christine G.

Created on: January 25, 2009   Last Updated: April 01, 2009

SIXTY YEARS AND STILL IN LOVE

Marriages may be made in heaven, but they are lived out, one minute at a time, in the nitty-gritty of mundane life on earth. A great marriage demands everything both partners have to pour into it.

You may be building a great marriage if:

*your heart jumps when you see your spouse smile;

*giving is truly more blessed that receiving;

*you can sit together quietly for a half hour and feel refreshed afterwards;

*sacrifices seem easier when they are made for the good of your spouse and the family unit;

*even in the worst times, you are grateful that you are together to face whatever comes.

What are the ingredients for the the magical cocktail of love "till death do us part"? Nobody knows, exactly, why some marriages are great while others falter. However, if you observe the behavior of those who are involved in great marriages, you will identify certain patterns.

1. Commitment. If both spouses stick with the marriage through thick and thin, it will survive anything. As the years pass, two unrelated people who happened to fall in love are forged into a unit which provides intimate friendship, family ties, and the unique delights of lovers. Challenges are easier to face for those who know that their spouse will continue to be there even if they disagree, even if they are disappointed or furious, even if one of them falters and needs to be held up by the other. Each mountain they climb together strengthens their confidence in the relationship.

2. Respect. There will be times when one is baffled by the spouse's behavior, ideas, or choices. Instead of putting each other down and insisting that MY way is the only sensible choice, great spouses patiently continue the dialogue. "I don't get it. Can you help me understand?" Partners who allow themselves to be abused, or who counter abuse with abuse, are teaching a destructive lesson to their spouse.

3. Boundaries. Great marriages are synergistic, not symbiotic. The partners can live more fully and accomplish more in their relationship than they could on their own, but they are still individuals with their own tastes, friends, and activities. They enjoy venturing out, and they appreciate their spouse even more when they return.

4. Willingness to adapt. Both spouses will learn, grow, and change, but rarely at the same rate or in the same direction. It requires tolerance and creative responsiveness to cope. Neither partner will get exactly what s/he wants, but both will get something nourishing and valuable. Who knows? In the long run, the results may exceed anything they asked or imagined.

5. Laughter. The ability to laugh at oneself dissolves tension and humbles arrogance.

6. Perspective. No matter how bad things get, the misery will not last forever. No matter how good things get, the elation will not last forever. Wise spouses know this, and don't measure the quality of their marriage by how they are feeling at the moment.

7. A spirit of service. Love always acts in the best interest of the other.

8. Willingness to ask for help. Partners can lean on each other with confidence. When something more is needed, they are willing to look outside the marriage for resources.

9. Patience. The first fifty years are the hardest!

10. Willingness to listen. We were born equipped with two ears and one mouth. There's a reason for that.

We can't control the choices of other people, but we can control our own. Every choice we make changes us, for better or for worse. Our time is better spent planting a garden than sitting around and waiting for our spouse to bring us flowers.

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